How We Sabotage the Very Love We Want and How to Stop

Issue 152. January 30, 2026 ✨ Higher Power Coaching & Consulting ✨

One of the most painful patterns I see, both in my own life and in my work with clients, is this:

we often end up sabotaging the very thing we want most.

Nowhere is this more true than in romantic relationships.

We long for connection, security, belonging, intimacy.
And yet, without realizing it, we behave in ways that quietly undermine those very desires.

Let me show you what I mean.

First example.
I once worked with a client who was reflecting on his friendships with other young men when he was younger. What he wanted from those relationships was completely understandable
security, belonging, identity, validation. He was looking for models of healthy masculinity and hoping to feel anchored in a group.

What actually happened was the opposite.

Those friendships didn’t just fade. They ended painfully. He was bullied. Pushed out. Shamed. Everything he had hoped to gain was taken from him.

As he looked more honestly at his part, something important became clear. He wasn’t truly present in those relationships. He had an unspoken end goal. He was there to get something rather than to be something.

That wasn’t a moral failing. It was all he knew how to do at the time.

This is one of my favorite phrases from recovery
info, not ammo.

This awareness wasn’t something to beat himself up with. It was information. And it changed everything.

Second example.
A friend of mine in recovery often explains this pattern through the lens of our instinctual drives. We’re wired for things like security, reputation, and belonging. Those drives are not the problem.

But when they get out of balance, or when we act from fear around them, we often sabotage ourselves.

Take reputation, for example. If we’re desperate to be seen a certain way, we might exaggerate, embellish, or outright lie. And eventually, when the truth comes out, the very reputation we were trying to protect is damaged.

The thing we wanted most becomes the thing we destroy.

Third example.
This one shows up constantly in romantic relationships.

Many of us carry a deep fear of abandonment. We don’t want to be left. We don’t want to be discarded. We want to matter.

And yet, without realizing it, we abandon ourselves.

We ignore our needs. We silence our truth. We shape shift to keep the connection. And when we do that, abandonment is baked right into the relationship.

Because we aren’t really there.

The real us never arrives. And so we often find ourselves drawn to people who abandon us in familiar ways.

The very thing we fear becomes the thing we recreate.

So how do we stop this pattern?

It starts with awareness. Simply seeing that it’s happening.

One of the greatest gifts recovery gave me was understanding my part. Not so I could feel ashamed, but so I could finally stop repeating the same painful cycles.

Before recovery, I trusted people who showed me they were untrustworthy and then blamed them when I got hurt. Some of them even told me outright not to trust them. And I thought, if I just love them enough, they’ll change.

That’s victim mentality. And I couldn’t see it in myself for a long time, even though I could spot it in others instantly.

When we keep the focus entirely on what others are doing wrong, we miss the behaviors we’re using to sabotage ourselves.

Step one is recognizing the pattern.
Step two is interrupting it.

What that looks like will be different for everyone. For me, it meant stopping self neglect. It meant no longer draining myself dry for others. It meant stepping out of codependent dynamics and learning how to stay with myself, even when that felt uncomfortable.

One of the most effective tools I’ve found for changing these patterns is building healthy boundaries. Especially boundaries of self protection and self containment.

Boundaries aren’t about controlling other people. They’re about deciding how you want to live your life on purpose, and then structuring your choices to support that life.

When you do that, the ripple effects are profound. Your relationships change. Your energy changes. Your sense of self changes.

And love starts to feel different.

If this reflection stirred something in you, and you’re ready to explore these patterns more gently and intentionally, I’d love to support you. Reclaim Your Relationships is a space to look at your relational patterns with clarity, compassion, and honesty, and to begin choosing differently from the inside out.

Healing is possible.
It’s never too late to recover.
And no one is beyond hope.