How Do I Get Over the Guilt I Feel When Setting Boundaries?

May 13, 2026 ✨ Higher Power Coaching & Consulting ✨

photo credit: Diego Martz

Most people think the goal is to stop feeling guilty when they set boundaries. But that’s not actually the goal.

The real goal is learning how to stay with yourself when guilt shows up.

That’s a very different thing.

One of the most important things I’ve heard in the last couple of years came from a therapist who said:

“The guilt we feel when setting boundaries is proportional to how much we abandon ourselves.”

That helped me understand the mechanism underneath boundary guilt. If you want to stop feeling so guilty when you set boundaries, the deeper work is learning how to stop abandoning yourself.

Because what most of us do when guilt shows up is treat it like an instruction.

We assume:

• I’ve done something wrong.
• I’m being selfish.
• I’m a bad person.
• If someone is upset with me, that means I shouldn’t follow through.

But guilt is a feeling, not a command. Someone being upset with you does not automatically mean you’ve done something wrong.

The Best Way to Reduce Boundary Guilt Over Time

The best way I know to reduce guilt over time is to stop abandoning yourself in your decision-making. One of the most important ways I help clients do that is by having them identify their top five values.

Not just the values themselves, but:

• what those values mean to them,
• why they matter,
• and how they define them personally.

We then use those values as guideposts and guardrails when making decisions and setting boundaries.

Why?

Because it’s so much easier to stand firm in a decision when it’s connected to something that genuinely matters to you.

Your values are not random. Your particular bundle of values bubbled up from your inner being for a reason.  You’re far more likely to follow through on boundaries that are aligned with your authentic self than boundaries you think you “should” set because someone on the internet told you to.

There’s a quote by Rumi that I love:

“Let yourself be silently pulled by the strange pull of what you really love. It will not lead you astray.”

I think of boundaries the same way. Allow yourself to be guided by the strange pull of what you truly value. It will not lead you astray.

Living in alignment with your values creates integrity with yourself. And integrity matters here because integrity is another word for wholeness. Who doesn’t want to feel whole?

The more aligned you are with yourself, the less guilt tends to show up in the first place.

What to Do When the Guilt Does Show Up

Even when you’re deeply aligned with your values, guilt may still arise. So what do you do then?

Most people abandon themselves the moment guilt appears. They stop focusing on what they want, need, or prefer and immediately shift their attention to the other person.

They think:

• They’re upset.
• They’re disappointed.
• They’re uncomfortable.
• I must have done something wrong.

But other people’s upset is not an instruction for you to override yourself.  You are responsible for managing your feelings, your choices, and your life. Other people are responsible for theirs.

That doesn’t mean we want people to be upset. Of course we don’t. But if you’ve spent decades accommodating someone, over-giving to them, rescuing them, or making their life easier, they may absolutely feel upset when you stop doing that.

That makes sense.

But you’re not taking something away from them. You’re simply stopping the abandonment of yourself.

Another Way We Abandon Ourselves

Sometimes we don’t focus on the other person at all. Sometimes we abandon ourselves internally. Our nervous system gets activated, and instead of slowing down and paying attention to what’s happening inside us, we override ourselves and push forward anyway. We dissociate from what’s happening internally.

But your nervous system contains important information.

So instead of overriding it, ask:

“What would actually help me feel safe right now?”

For me, that often starts with my body. I put my hand on my chest, slow down my breathing, deepen my breathing and catch my breath. That physical gesture helps communicate safety to my nervous system.

Sometimes I focus on the rise and fall of my chest and/or the rhythm of my heartbeat because it forces me into the present moment.  And when you’re truly in the present moment, you’re much less focused on other people and much more connected to yourself.

I also use grounding reminder thoughts like:

• Discomfort does not mean danger.
• Someone being upset with me does not mean I’ve done something wrong.
• This is not mine to manage.
• I’m not a bad person.

I repeat these things to myself over and over because they help me stay anchored to myself instead of abandoning myself.

Internal Safety Is the Real Goal

This is what building internal safety looks like. Internal safety is the growing belief that:

• I can rely on myself.
• I can handle uncomfortable feelings.
• Emotional activation is not an emergency.
• Guilt does not mean I’m bad.
• I don’t have to abandon myself just because discomfort is present.

You don’t build healthy boundaries by eliminating discomfort. You build healthy boundaries by learning how to stay with yourself while discomfort is there.