How to Stop Abandoning Yourself (Even If You’ve Done It for Years)

Issue 165, May 1, 2026 ✨ Higher Power Coaching & Consulting ✨

If you’ve ever thought:

• Why do I keep saying yes when I really want to say no? 
• Why do I know what to do but can’t seem to follow through? 
• Why do I keep ending up exhausted, resentful, or overwhelmed? 

There’s a good chance you’re dealing with something most people never name directly.

Self-abandonment.

I don’t say that lightly. It’s strong language, and I use it on purpose because softer language can sometimes let us off the hook because we think “it’s not that bad.” When we say things like “I’m not following through” or “I need more discipline,” we miss what’s actually happening.

We’re leaving ourselves. Abandoning what we know we want or is in our best interest.

What self-abandonment actually looks like

It doesn’t always look dramatic. Most of the time, it’s subtle and repeated.

It looks like:

• saying yes when you really want to say no 
• overriding your needs to keep the peace 
• knowing you need rest but pushing through anyway 
• not speaking up when something doesn’t feel right 
• making commitments to yourself and then not honoring them 

If you did each of those only occasionally, that would be fine. You’d be able to tolerate it. But that’s not what we do. We tend to do many (or all) of them repeatedly, and the effects stack to the point where we’ve become disconnected from ourselves and our own needs.

And here’s the part that matters most: Self-abandonment isn’t a character flaw. It’s a learned behavior pattern. Which means it can be un-learned.

Many of us grew up in environments where it wasn’t safe to have needs, preferences, or emotions. So we adapted by learning to do things like scan the room, anticipate other people’s needs and adjust ourselves accordingly. Those adaptations helped keep us safe then, but they’re damaging us now.

Why this keeps happening (even when you “know better”)

This is where my understanding has deepened a lot since I first talked about this years ago. Back then, I focused mostly on behavior. Now I see something much more important underneath it.

Self-abandonment is a response to a lack of internal safety.

If it doesn’t feel safe inside of you to:

• disappoint someone 
• feel guilt 
• tolerate someone else’s reaction 
• sit with your own discomfort 

…then of course you’re going to override yourself! Not because you’re weak, but because your system is trying to protect you.

That’s why knowledge isn’t enough. You can know exactly what boundary to set and still not set it, because your body is saying, this doesn’t feel safe. 

This is a perfect example of what I think every time I hear the popular quote, “knowledge is power.” Though that’s a very potent statement, it’s not entirely accurate – knowledge is potential power. You can know something but not use that knowledge, either because you’re not capable of using it or just don’t have the motivation. Let’s talk about how to turn this potential power into actual power. 

The shift that changes everything

Stopping self-abandonment isn’t about becoming more rigid or forcing yourself to “do better.” It’s about building a different relationship with yourself.

It’s moving from:

• reacting → responding 
• overriding yourself → staying with yourself 
• trying to control others → taking responsibility for yourself 

One of the most important distinctions I’ve come to understand is this:

You don’t create change by controlling your behavior. You create change by staying with yourself when it’s hard.

Because internal boundaries aren’t about what you say to someone else. They’re about what you do after you say it – how you handle the guilt, discomfort, and the urge to go back on your word to yourself.

That’s where self-abandonment used to happen for me. Not in the moment of deciding, but in the moment of discomfort afterward.

But that’s not the only place it happens. Sometimes self-abandonment happens before you ever set the boundary.

You think about saying no, then imagine the conversation and feel like you’re gonna die. Like your life is under threat.

You might think things like:

• This is gonna blow up 
• They’re going to be upset 
• I’m going to lose this relationship 
• I don’t think I can handle this 

And before you even open your mouth, you cave. You say yes, go along and override your initial desire. Not because you don’t know what you want to do, but because it doesn’t feel safe to do it.

This is why internal safety matters so much. Because whether self-abandonment happens before the boundary or after the boundary, the mechanism is the same:

It doesn’t feel safe to stay with yourself.

So the work isn’t just about what to say. It’s about increasing your capacity to tolerate the discomfort that comes with honoring yourself.

A simple example

Let’s say you decide you’re going to start taking better care of yourself. In the morning, the alarm goes off, and you hit the snooze button. Again, and again, and again.

Old framing: I have no discipline.
New framing: I’m abandoning myself.

That might sound harsh, but it’s actually clarifying. Because now the question becomes:

What would it look like to stay with myself instead?

Maybe it means:

• putting the alarm across the room 
• getting out of bed even when you don’t feel like it 
• following through on something small 

Not perfectly. Just consistently enough that you start to build trust with yourself.

What happens when you stop abandoning yourself

This is where things get really powerful. When you stop abandoning yourself:

• You trust yourself more 
• You need less external validation 
• You feel more grounded in your decisions 
• Your relationships change 

Not because you’re controlling other people, but because you’re no longer leaving yourself to manage their reactions.

You’re staying.

And that creates something I talk about a lot now: internal safety.

The kind of safety that says:

• I can handle this conversation 
• I can tolerate their reaction 
• I can feel this feeling and be okay 

When you have that, boundaries start to hold. Not because you’re forcing them, but because you’re not abandoning yourself when it gets uncomfortable.

Where to start (without overwhelming yourself)

You don’t need to overhaul your entire life. Start small. Use the “one day at a time principle” and break your changes down into tiny, manageable parts.

Pick one way you tend to abandon yourself and interrupt it.

• If you’ve been saying yes when you want to say no, pause before answering 
• If you’ve been neglecting your needs, choose one thing to follow through on 
• If you’ve been ignoring your feelings, take a moment to acknowledge them 

And if you notice yourself backing down before you even say the thing, that counts too. That moment where you think about setting a boundary and immediately talk yourself out of it? That’s a place you can practice staying with yourself.

You’re not trying to force yourself to do something terrifying. You’re increasing your capacity, little by little, to stay present with the discomfort instead of overriding it.

You’re not trying to become a different person overnight. You’re practicing something new: staying with yourself until things make sense from the inside.

One question to carry with you

When you notice yourself about to override your needs, ask:

“If I go along with this, am I abandoning myself?”

And if you catch it even earlier, when you’re just thinking about speaking up and already feel yourself shutting down, you might ask:

“What feels unsafe about staying with myself here?”

Not to judge yourself. Just to understand (this is info, not ammo!). Because once you can see it, you can begin to choose differently.