Why Family Disappointments Hurt and How to Heal Your Part

Issue 147. December 19, 2025 ✨ Higher Power Coaching & Consulting ✨

I had a conversation recently that reminded me of something I learned the hard way. A man in recovery told me he finally understood that his expectations were the very thing upsetting him. But he didn’t know how to stop having them. He couldn’t imagine moving through the world without them.

I remember feeling the same way. People in recovery would say, “expectations are premeditated resentments.” I agreed with them (in theory) and had absolutely no idea how to live that way in practice.

How do you walk through life, especially with family, and not expect people to act a certain way? How do you let go of the exact outcomes you’re sure would make things easier?!

What I’ve learned is that peace never comes from controlling other people. It comes from loosening my grip on how I think things should turn out. It comes from acceptance. And acceptance often feels impossible right up until the moment you try it.

When I was still early in recovery, I worked for a woman who was consistently unreliable. She didn’t follow through. She gave wildly inaccurate estimates about time and effort. She changed course without notice. And she had been that way since the day I met her.

Yet for seventeen years I expected her to be different.

Every time she behaved exactly as she always had, I felt blindsided. Outraged. Hurt. I kept insisting she shouldn’t be that way. I believed the problem was her. The sleepless nights, the tension in my body, the resentment building in my chest. I thought all of it came from her not following through.

And then my sponsor said something that stopped me cold. She said, “Barb, what’s reasonable is to let the boss be the boss.”

I couldn’t believe it. Even when she doesn’t follow through. Even when she changes her mind without telling me. Even when it creates chaos. And my sponsor said yes. Because that’s who she is. And she’s the one in charge.

It hit me like a tidal wave. My suffering didn’t come from her behavior. My suffering came from expecting her to act like someone else entirely. UGH!

This is one of the hardest truths to face, especially in our families. The people we love often show us exactly who they are over and over. Yet we hold on to the fantasy that this year will be different. Dad will finally listen. Mom will finally respect the boundary. That sibling will finally show up in the way we always hoped they would.

And when they don’t, we feel disappointed, frustrated, maybe even betrayed. But the sting isn’t from their behavior. The sting is from the story we told ourselves about who they should be.

The moment I stopped expecting my boss to change, something inside me relaxed. That tension I carried for years dissolved because the truth was finally clear. She wasn’t the problem. My expectations were.

Letting go of expectations isn’t a one-time act. It’s a practice. In the beginning, I recognized them only in hindsight. I’d feel upset, replay the situation, and say to myself, Oh look at that. I had an expectation. No wonder I’m resentful. Over time, I learned to see the pattern earlier. I became more attuned to the places and people where I tend to slip into fantasy. I started catching expectations as they were forming.

Now, when I feel resentment rise, that’s my signal. I ask myself, “What did I expect that didn’t happen?” And almost every time, the answer shows me exactly where to let go.

One of the simplest practices that changed my life is something I write in my nightly journal. 

“Let go of expectations of others and meet my own needs.”

I write it a few pages ahead so it keeps finding me. Each time I read it, I notice a place where an expectation created tension. And just naming it releases me. I’ve done that for years and almost entirely trained myself out of my unrealistic expecations, and also learned where I could meet my own needs (e.g., by setting a boundary, asking for what I want, affirming myself instead of waiting for someone else to do it for me).

Serenity is inversely proportional to expectations and directly proportional to acceptance. So the more I focus on acceptance, the more peace I have. The more I cling to expectations, the more I lose myself.

If you want family peace this season, shift one sentence in your mind. 

Instead of this: “He should…”
Try this: “Oh well, that’s him.

Instead of thinking: “She ought to…”
Try thinking: “She’s always been this way.”

You’re not giving up. You’re letting go of the idea that your peace depends on someone else’s behavior. That idea has never brought serenity to anyone.

Letting go of expectations doesn’t mean lowering your worth or shrinking your needs. It means releasing the belief that someone else has to change so you can feel calm inside.

That’s where your freedom lives.

A gentle invitation for the new year

If you want to start the new year with more peace, clarity, and emotional steadiness, my Boundary Bootcamp on January 1 is a beautiful place to begin. It’s a live workshop where we’ll help you untangle old patterns, set yourself up for a calmer year, and learn how to hold your ground without losing yourself. If you’d like the link or have questions, just reply and ask.