How Family Activates Old Stories and How You Rise Above Them

Issue 146. December 12, 2025 ✨ Higher Power Coaching & Consulting ✨

There’s a popular saying in recovery circles that always makes me smile. People call it “stinkin’ thinkin.’” It’s the reminder that the problem isn’t you. The problem is the thoughts that have taken up residence in your mind and learned to sound like The Truth.

And during the holidays, when you’re around the people who helped shape your earliest beliefs, those old thoughts grow louder. Family has a way of pressing the rewind button on ideas we’ve outgrown. It’s not intentional. It’s familiar. Which is exactly why it’s powerful.

The truth is that we don’t think random thoughts. We think practiced ones. A belief is simply a thought we’ve repeated long enough that it has settled into our bones. It doesn’t have to be fact. It just has to be familiar.

For years, one of my most deeply rooted beliefs was that reaching out for help wasn’t an option for me. It felt true. It felt like a law of nature. But it was only a belief I’d repeated so often that my brain treated any evidence to the contrary as irrelevant.

Our brains filter information constantly. In research, they call this researcher bias. Even the most dedicated scientists look for evidence that confirms what they already believe and overlook anything that challenges it. This is why double-blind experiments exist, where both the researcher and the person in the experiment are blind to who gets the treatment and who gets the placebo. We literally have to protect ourselves from our own minds!

If trained researchers can fall into this trap, imagine how deeply you and I might cling to our long-held personal stories, especially the ones we learned in childhood. Stories like I’m too much or I’m not enough. Stories like people will leave if I disappoint them, or love has to be earned. Stories like I should shrink so everyone around me stays comfortable.

Families don’t plant these stories because they’re cruel. They plant them because they’re human. They learned their own stories long before we arrived. And still, if you don’t examine them, you’ll walk into every family gathering wearing the old identity you’ve outgrown.

When I looked back over my life through the lens of recovery, I realized how often I interpreted completely unrelated events as proof that I was too much. Different people. Different situations. Same conclusion. Over and over. It shocked me to see how blind I’d been to the pattern, even though clearly some part of me always knew. How else would I recognize it now?

Many people in recovery share a different version of the same pattern. 

• I’m a piece of crap. 
• I’ll never recover. 
• No one loves me. 
• I don’t deserve good things. 

These thoughts feel like conclusions. They’re actually habits.

And habits can change.

One of the best things I ever heard was from someone who said, “I talk to myself more than I listen to myself.” That line blew me away! It still does. He understood what took me years to learn. You don’t have to accept the thoughts that pop into your mind. 

You can interrupt them.
Redirect them.
Replace them.

This is why affirmations matter. This is why one of my personal favorites is, “I’m just the right amount of everything.” It’s the antidote to “I’m too much” and “I’m not enough.” They’re the same wound, just traveling in opposite directions.

I’m a different person because I learned to challenge my stinkin thinkin. I still have moments where those old tapes slip in, but I catch them faster now. Sometimes within seconds. Every once in a while, it takes a bit longer, and then I remember that I’m the one who gets to hit the eject button and choose a new track.

And if you’re heading into family time, this is especially important. You weren’t created to suffer. You weren’t created to contort yourself to fit an outdated role. You were created on purpose. You have the ability to challenge every tired narrative your mind tries to hand you.

No one else can save you from your thoughts. But you can.

And you’re more powerful than you think.

An invitation for next week.

If navigating family brings up old stories for you, you’re not alone. My free workshop “Calm at the Table: Family Boundaries for the Season” is happening next week.  It’s designed to help you stay grounded, centered, and steady during family gatherings. We’ll talk about how to recognize your patterns, protect your peace, and show up in a way that feels like you. I’d love to have you with us.