Issue 13. February 24, 2023 ✨ Higher Power Coaching & Consulting ✨
If you’re continually attracted to (and been attractive to) emotionally unavailable people, you’re probably not going to like what I’m about to say, dear friend:
You’re the problem.
Chances are high: you’re emotionally unavailable. Please hear me out.
If I’m right, and you ignore this, you could waste many more years trying to turn your partners into emotional available people when that’s just not possible.
If you DO pay attention, you just might learn something new and save yourself years of agony and blame. And you might learn how to attract people who are already emotionally available.
It starts with self-honesty. You’ve likely been lying to yourself about yourself. Maybe you’re telling yourself that you’re not capable of attracting healthy people, or that it’s too uncomfortable to face things you’re afraid of (like difficult feelings). Perhaps you’ve acted as if you like things you don’t, or haven’t allowed yourself to explore things you’re interested in. We often do these things because care more what other people think of us, or we’re externally focused rather than internally focused.
When you do those things, you’re chipping away at your integrity. It’s hard to be emotionally available when you have chips and cracks in your integrity. If you’re foundation is cracked, you’re not going to feel emotionally safe. You’ll feel the need to protect yourself and will therefore not be capable of being emotionally available to others. And maybe not even emotionally available to yourself.
When you’re in a defensive stance (like “I don’t want you to see the cracks in my foundation”) you’re too busy with that to truly relax, be yourself and let your guard down.
So how do you become emotionally available so you can attract emotionally available people?
First, you have to become emotionally available to yourself. That means allowing yourself to feel difficult emotions – to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. It’s often the resistance to feelings that’s worse than the actual feelings themselves.
You want to teach yourself to be vulnerable with yourself. This is required before you can become vulnerable to others. You can’t be in an emotionally available relationship without the two of you being vulnerable with each other.
What does it mean to become vulnerable with yourself? It means honest with yourself and allowing yourself experiment about what brings you joy and what dampens joy. Be honest with yourself, then construct your life in such a way that you go after the things you really want. It’s only then that you can become emotionally available to other people.
That’s because you’re living in your integrity when live by what’s important and brings you joy. You’re whole. You don’t have a cracked foundation. People with cracked foundations attract people with cracked foundations!
Being vulnerable means there’s a possibly you’re to get hurt. That’s just the reality of human relationships. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable to the possibility of being hurt also means to vulnerable to the possibility of being loved.
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