When Love Looks Like Self-Betrayal: Why Tolerating Abuse Isn’t Loyalty

Issue 126. July 18, 2025 ✨ Higher Power Coaching & Consulting ✨

“I would die for my children.”
Yes, but not at their hands.

I had a powerful session with a client recently that I want to share with you because her story is not unusual. In fact, it’s one I hear all the time in my coaching and recovery work.

She has two adult children. One of them has mental health issues and has been emotionally abusive to her for years. This was the first time she admitted to me that it was abuse. She said others had pointed it out before, but until now, she couldn’t see it that way.

As we talked more, she confessed something heartbreaking:

“I will tolerate anything my children do to me. I guess I believe that’s somehow loving to do that.”

Then she said, “I would die for my children.”

And I said, “Yes. Of course, you would die for your children. But not at the hands of your children.”

There’s a difference between stepping in front of a bullet to save your child’s life, which is noble and loving, and being destroyed by them through violence, emotional abuse, or chaos.

That is not love. That is not loyalty. That is dysfunction.

We got to talking about this idea of tolerating anything in the name of loyalty, something that comes up a lot in Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families (ACA). If you’re new here, ACA is a 12-step trauma recovery program. We don’t just “talk about our parents.” We work to understand the causes and conditions that shaped us, and we reparent ourselves so we can break the cycle.

One of the myths about ACA is that speaking the truth about what happened in our families is disloyal. But in ACA, we say:

You’re not being disloyal to your family. You’re being disloyal to the dysfunction.

Here’s what that means:

1. You stop pretending.
When you admit things weren’t “fine,” you break the dysfunctional family rules of “Don’t talk. Don’t trust. Don’t feel.” Naming reality, especially calling abuse what it is, is an act of courage and healing.

2. You come out of denial.
Saying, “Well, at least they didn’t break any bones,” or “They didn’t mean to,” keeps you in the fog. Recovery begins when we name what happened accurately. Yes, your parents may have loved you even if they abused you; it doesn’t mean they didn’t love you (love and abuse are not mutually exclusive).

3. You change the legacy.
Even if your children are grown, you can still shift your role in the dynamic. That might mean finally setting boundaries or no longer tolerating their mistreatment, as I’m coaching this client to do.

In this case, my client’s daughter came to stay “for three days” and didn’t leave for six months. Those six months were chaotic emotionally, physically, and psychologically. After the daughter finally left, my client noticed how peaceful her home had become. But she still struggled with the idea of not letting her back in.

So I spoke to her in a language she understands. She’s in recovery and has been sober for years.

“Letting a toxic person back in is like taking the first drink.”

If you don’t let them in the door, you don’t have to worry about how to get them out later.
Don’t open the door to chaos.

Eventually, our conversation got to the root of it all. My client said that her understanding of loyalty and tolerance boils down to this:

“I don’t matter.”

Her children’s comfort and happiness matter more. But when your child’s “happiness” relies on being allowed to hurt you, that’s not happiness, it’s control.

That’s not okay.

This is so common in the women I work with. They’d rather tolerate mistreatment than risk conflict with a loved one. They don’t want to “make things harder” for their kids, even if their kid is bleeding them dry emotionally.

But here’s the truth:

Love without boundaries isn’t love. It’s a sacrifice.

If you take one thing away from this, let it be this:

Love and loyalty do not mean tolerating abuse.

When we excuse harmful behavior in the name of love, we’re not being loyal to our children, we’re being loyal to dysfunction.

True love includes boundaries.
It includes truth.
And it includes valuing yourself not just as a parent, but as a person who matters.

If this resonates, let’s talk.

If you’re struggling with over-giving, guilt, or chaotic family dynamics, I invite you to take the first step toward a different way.

👉 Book an Unshakable You Discovery Call. In just 30 minutes, you’ll walk away with a vision for your future, even if we don’t end up working together. Many of my clients say the call alone gave them hope they hadn’t felt in years.

You matter, too. And I’d be honored to help you believe that again.