Ep. 348: How to Stop Tolerating What Drains You and Reclaim Your Time and Energy

Today I want to talk about something that’s probably costing you more time and energy than anything else…

…and you might not even realize it.

Because it doesn’t look like over-scheduling.
It doesn’t look like poor time management.

It looks like something much quieter.

It’s what you’re tolerating.

And here’s what I mean by that.

Where in your life are you saying yes…
when your whole self is screaming no?

THE INVISIBLE DRAIN

One of the things I say all the time is that resentment is an indicator. Often, it’s an indicator that it’s time for a boundary, or time to shore up a boundary. I used to think it was an indicator that someone else did something wrong or is an asshold. Now I know it’s an indicator for me ABOUT ME..

And this is one of the places where resentment can be incredibly useful.

Because every time you feel resentful, drained, irritated, or depleted…

there’s a very good chance you’re tolerating something.

Maybe it’s a person who keeps crossing your limits.
or a workload that doesn’t leave you any space to breathe.
or conversations full of drama, gossip, or complaining.
or Maybe it’s avoiding a hard conversation because you don’t want conflict.

And here’s the part people don’t realize:

Every thing you’re “tolerating” costs you energy. 

Not just a little bit.

It’s like a slow, constant leak in your system. Think about having a hole in your gas tank that leaks constantly but you don’t know about it. You keep filling the tank, it’s keeps draining, you’re getting worse gas mileage but you don’t know why. 

I keep filling the tank – what’s happening??

THIS IS DIFFERENT FROM “TIME MANAGEMENT”

In the last two episodes, I talked about:

• respecting your capacity 
• and changing your behavior around time 

But this goes deeper than both of those.

Because you can have a beautifully structured calendar…

and still feel exhausted.

Why?

Because your energy isn’t just being spent on what you’re doing.

It’s being drained by what you’re allowing.

Let me say this really clearly.

When you tolerate something that doesn’t feel okay to you…

you’re not just “being nice.”

You’re abandoning yourself.

And I don’t say that to shame you.

I say that because most of us were trained to do this.

We were trained to:

keep the peace
avoid conflict
manage other people’s feelings
be easy to be around

And in doing that…

we override our own internal signals.

THE STORY YOU’RE TELLING YOURSELF

This is where I want to bring in a really important question:

What’s the story you’re telling yourself about why this is okay?  I’m going to repeat that in a moment so you can really pause and think about it, but first I want to say a few things.

this is where things get honest.

Because the toleration isn’t random.

There’s always a justification.

Things like:

“It’s not that big of a deal.”
“They didn’t mean it.”
“I don’t want to make things awkward.”
“It’s just easier this way.”
“I should be able to handle this.”

But those stories come at a cost.

Because every time you override yourself…

you’re weakening your internal safety.

Alight, now Pause the audio for a moment here and bring something to mind and ask that question of yourself – what’s the story you’re telling yourself about why this is okay.

If you didn’t pause, do it now.

Now that you have that story in mind, 

Let’s connect it directly to your time and energy.

Because internal safety isn’t built by managing your schedule.

It’s built by staying with yourself…

especially when something doesn’t feel right.

Time and energy boundaries aren’t just about what you do with your calendar.

They’re about what you allow to continue.

They’re about what you say yes to internally.

And what you stop overriding.

When I say “staying with yourself” I mean not abandoning your inner knowing of things “I don’t want to this” or “I don’t have the energy” or “I fucking hate doing this”

Staying with yourself means honoring that you don’t want to do that thing, you don’t have the energy for that thing, or your fucking hate doing that thing. 

Those thoughts are coming from your inner self. And the stories are coming from what you’ve internalized about what it means to be a good person who “goes along to get along” or “keeps the peace.”

Here’s the hard truth MOST PEOPLE DON’T WANT TO SEE

If something is consistently draining you…

and it’s still happening…

you are participating in that.

And again, I’m not saying that to blame you.

I’m saying it because that’s where your power is. It’s info, not ammo.

Because if you’re participating in it…

you can change it. People don’t TAKE advantiage of you. You GIVE THEM advantage over your!

And if you’re the source of the problem, that means you get to be the solution. If other people areally are the problem, you’re screwed. And im here to tell you- you’re not screwed!!

So instead of asking:

“How do I manage my time better?”

I want you to start asking:

“What am I tolerating that’s costing me my time and energy?”

And then the next question is:

“What’s actually true here?”

Not the story.
Not the justification.

The truth.

This is a great place to share some of my core ideas:

I don’t set boundaries. I have boundaries. Now, I USED to set boundaries all the time. Now I don’t have to because they’ve now become internalized. They’re part of my being

Because what we’re really talking about here…

is the shift from overriding yourself…

to being in relationship with yourself.

In the beginning, you may have to set boundaries.

But over time…

you stop tolerating things that don’t align with you.

And that’s when you have boundaries.

Another of my core ideas is that 

Boundaries only work when they’re anchored in what actually matters to you. What you value, or what your values are

So ask yourself:

What’s most important to me right now?
How do I actually want to feel at the end of my day?
And what in my current life doesn’t support that?

Because if your life doesn’t support how you want to feel…

something needs to change.

Let’s use one of the main principles we learn in recovery, which is one day at a time. The idea behind that is that we break things down into manageable chunks.

We don’t have to stay sober for the rest of our lives, we just do it one day at a time. We don’t have to eat the entire elephant in one bite (cuz we can’t) we eat it one bite at a time. 

In other words, we start small.

Start with one thing.

Not your whole life.

Just one thing you’re tolerating that’s draining you.

Get honest about:

What it is
What you’ve been telling yourself
What’s actually true

And then ask:

What would it look like to stop tolerating this?

Not perfectly.
Not dramatically.

Just honestly.

When you stop tolerating what drains you…

you don’t just get more time.

You get your energy back., your presence back.
You get yourself back.

And that’s what boundaries are really about.

Not control.

Choice.

Choosing peace over people-pleasing.
Choosing rest over resentment.
Choosing truth over tolerance. 

Choosing your wellbeing over accommodating others.