What Gift Would You Give If You Already Knew They Felt Loved?

Issue 192, November 6, 2026 ✨ Higher Power Coaching & Consulting ✨

Have you ever gone shopping for a Christmas present with absolutely no idea what to get somebody, but you know you have to get them something? Many years ago, that’s where I’d gotten with exchanging gifts with my friends. I’d be looking for something to give a person I loved, and the thought taking up most of my attention was, What the heck am I going to get her?

So one year, quite a few years before I got into recovery, I told my friends I wanted to stop exchanging Christmas gifts. I told them what I’d noticed. I was buying them things just to have something to give them, and I didn’t want them to feel like they had to do that for me either.

Every single one of them had some version of the same response. “Oh, thank God!”

What surprises me about that story now is that I actually said something. Back then, I could spend money I didn’t have on gifts, and it would barely occur to me to question it. I thought of myself as a generous person. And I was generous. I was also someone who had a hard time telling the difference between wanting to do something for you and wanting to make sure you knew how much I cared about you. From the outside, those two things can look exactly alike. Either way, you get a present.

I got to experience the other side of this in my first year of recovery. A friend I’d gotten close to brought me something every time she came to my house. One time it was a really heavy framed mirror with a little bird on it. Another time it was a casserole dish that had clearly cost her some money. And another time it was a framed print. Gifts meant a lot to her, and here I was getting more uncomfortable with every visit. Eventually I told her how awkward I felt. I even told her that sometimes it felt like she was trying to buy my friendship, and that she was setting up the expectation that I should bring her something every time I visit her.

She was hurt when I said that. But we kept talking, and as we did, she recognized some truth in what I’d said. What strikes me now is that I knew exactly what it was like to be the woman arriving with the casserole dish. I’d spent money I didn’t have on people I loved. It had rarely occurred to me to wonder how it felt to be on the receiving end of all that giving. Then somebody did it with me, and all I wanted was for my friend to feel comfortable coming over empty-handed. I already wanted her there.

What I understand now is that the difference shows up a little earlier in the process, in the moment when I can still make a choice. If I see something that makes me think of you and I get excited imagining your face when you open it, I know what I want to do. But if I’m tired, money’s tight, and I’m still shopping because I can already picture how awful I’ll feel if you have something for me and I have nothing for you, that’s worth paying attention to. In that second situation, the person putting pressure on me might be me. You haven’t even said a word!

That’s where Internal Safety comes in for me these days. Suppose one of my friends had said, “Oh, I’m gonna miss that. I really like picking something out for you” when I said I no longer want to exchange gifts. Before recovery, I could easily have heard that and said, “Well, we can still do gifts!” I’d have changed my mind so fast I might never have noticed that I hadn’t actually changed my mind – I still wanted to stop exchanging gifts. I just didn’t want to feel what came up in me when I heard you’d be disappointed if we didn’t exchange gifts.

Today I have the capacity to stay with my original decision. I can feel a twinge because something I’ve decided matters to someone I love. I can say, “I get that. You’ve picked out some really thoughtful things for me over the years.” And I can pause before I rush in and sign myself up for another year of something I already decided to stop doing.

As it turned out, all my friends were relieved when I declared no more compulsory gift giving. But what if one of them had said, “I’m going to miss that.” Today I could say, “What did you love about exchanging gifts?” and actually listen to her answer. Years ago, I probably would’ve promised to keep doing it without even thinking to ask a question like that. I wanted so badly to make that uncomfortable feeling in myself go away that I could miss a whole conversation with someone I cared about.

And here’s what I do love about gifts. If a friend sees something in July and thinks, “Oh my God, that’s so Barb,” and it would light her up to give it to me, I’d love that. I want the same freedom when I see something that reminds me of her. That little moment of recognition, when someone is going about their ordinary day and something brings you to mind, is my favorite part of getting a gift. I’m glad we kept that part. It’s the unspoken obligation part I hate.

As you look ahead to the holidays you celebrate, think about one thing you’re already assuming you’ll do. Maybe it’s a gift exchange. Maybe it’s making the dish everybody asks for, or driving to a second gathering when you’d love to stay a little longer at the first. If you knew the people you love already understood how much you cared about them, would you still choose to do it? You might hear a wholehearted yes. You might hear, I’d love to see her. I just wish we could go for coffee and skip the presents. That’s a lovely thing to learn about yourself while there’s still time to call your friend.

And what if you have that conversation, agree to skip the presents and just meet for coffee, then your friend shows up with something for you anyway? You get to say, “Thank you. That was so thoughtful of you.” Then you get to have your coffee. If you notice yourself mentally rearranging your afternoon so you can stop at a store on the way home, pay attention to that. A minute ago you were enjoying a gift. When did it become a debt?

If there’s a holiday conversation you’d like some help having this year, join me on Zoom for Holiday Boundaries Made Simple on Wednesday, November 18, from 5 to 6:30 p.m. Eastern. Bring the situation that came to mind as you were reading. Learn more and register here.