How to Stop the Chatter: Learn to Silence the Inner Gossiper and Build Real Intimacy

Issue 114. March 7, 2025 ✨ Higher Power Coaching & Consulting ✨

Imagine realizing that a habit you’ve had for decades, something you thought was harmless, was actually sabotaging your relationships. That’s what happened when I discovered my gossip problem.

When I first got into recovery and learned that gossiping was one of my worst “defects of character,” I was shocked! Who knew that talking negatively behind someone’s back for 19 years was gossip?!

Apparently, I didn’t really understand what gossip was. I mean, I thought I knew what gossip was (after all, I’m not stupid). Nope! I didn’t understand that complaining about people behind their backs for years on end was gossiping. I thought I was just complaining, and I felt quite justified in my complaints. I also thought I was commiserating with others. But you don’t need 19 years to commiserate. 

Where it all started.

I had to do a lot of work to stop gossiping. I came to understand that the “causes and conditions” that created my habit of gossip is that I grew up in a family that engaged in indirect communication. That is, if you had a problem with someone, you never went to that person. You complained about them to other people. You focused on them, not on the problem or trying to solve it. And, of course, you didn’t look at what you might be doing to contribute to the situation! For example, not talking directly to the party involved contributes to the problem. 

This was a communication pattern laid down in my family before I was born, so there was no way I could have grown up knowing how to communicate directly with others. I didn’t even know it was an option. To me, people doing annoying things meant talking about them to others. That’s just the way it was.

Why I gossiped.

In my efforts to try to stop gossiping, I did some research to figure out what gossip is and is not. One thing I learned was that if the conversation is solution-oriented, it may not be gossip. Initially, I used this knowledge to get away with gossiping by throwing some kind of “solution” into the conversation while still talking shit about the person.

Then I realized, “This is not what’s called for here, not if I want to be an honest woman of integrity.” Seeing that alerted me to the fact that (for me) gossip felt really good! Yikes!!

I had a really hard time understanding why it felt so f-ing good, so I started to ask other people in recovery about gossip.  I got two answers that really helped me a lot:

1. You get to feel better about yourself by putting other people down when you gossip about them 
2. You get to blame them for your problems when you constantly complain, so you’re off the hook from changing your behavior 

These both resonated with me, but the second one hit the nail right on the head! That’s the reason it feels so good to me: I get to blame other people for my problems. This kept me in victim mentality.

The reality is, if other people are really responsible for my problems, I’m screwed! But when I realize I’m responsible for my problems, that’s empowering because I get to be the solution!

Coming to understand this helped enormously. I realized I’d been doing things my whole life to blame everyone and everything else in the world for all the bad things in my life. Of course, I was willing to take credit for all of the good things that were happening in my life, just not the bad things!

My “stop gossiping” plan in action.

When I went about the process of stopping this behavior, I started at work. I’d been complaining about my boss the entire time I worked for her despite her being exactly the same as she’d been since I started working for her. I decided to enlist the help of some colleagues I worked with on a daily basis. I was friends with all of them, and they knew I was in recovery.

I started by mentioning that as part of my recovery, I was learning things about myself that I wished to change and that I’d really like their help. I requested that if they heard me talking about our boss, I’d appreciate it if they’d bring it to my attention. This also alerted them not to gossip with me – bonus!!

The impact of my gossiping.

Over time, as my gossiping decreased, I realized the massive, long-term impact my gossiping had. Because I’d been there longer than everybody, I had created a culture where we gossiped about the boss rather than go to her and say, “This isn’t working. Can we try something different?” That is, we focused on problems, not solutions.

That meant it wasn’t just me or my boss that were affected by my gossiping. It was my entire team. That included the many interns and fellows who had come to work with us over the previous years. I taught these early-career professionals that in the workplace, you complain and suffer. You don’t address problems. You don’t directly communicate with people. 

What was really interesting is that when I stopped gossiping about her (okay, massively reduced my gossiping) my resentment against her went almost entirely away. It was a very humbling experience to learn just how detrimental the effects of my gossiping were to my colleagues, friends, and family. Now, I make sure to focus on good news when I spread things around.

Knowing I’m the problem means I get to be the solution.

That’s when I realized, “I’m the problem!” This doesn’t mean she never did anything negative. She did. What it means is that I magnified the problems by not taking responsibility for things within my purview. And for creating a culture of negativity where we focus on problems, not solutions. This was info, not ammo. That is, it was empowering to know that because *I* was the problem, *I* could become the solution. 

My part in this is NOT that I caused the difficulties, but that I made them much, much worse by talking about them (and her) over and over again. 

I didn’t know it was an option NOT to do that!

Now, when something difficult happens in a relationship that I really need to process, I pick one person to process it with. I don’t talk about it with everyone who will listen. I make sure that it’s an emotionally healthy person that I go to, and I only talk to them about this situation so I can contain it. 

I’m containing it for myself so I don’t relive the difficulty, and I’m containing it because I don’t want to gossip about other people. If I need to go back again at another time and talk about this thing again, either because I can’t let it go or something else happened in the situation, and it’s not resolved, then I go back to that same person to process the situation.

I’ve come to understand that stopping gossiping is actually boundary-setting: I have boundaries around what’s my business and what’s not my business. Gossip is when I’m talking about stuff that’s not my business, like someone else’s behavior.

The impact of gossip on intimacy.

Here’s another example of gossip in my life. It will help illustrate why gossip is so problematic. I always had a strained relationship with my father. In fact, we were estranged from 1994-2005. When I reconnected with him again, it was by phone because he lived in another state. We would talk about my brother. Primarily, my dad bitched and complained about him. Sometimes, I commiserated with him and maybe made excuses for him.

At one point I said to my dad, “It seems like all we talk about is him, which is fine from time to time, but having him be the focus of our conversations just doesn’t feel right.” I wasn’t quite sure why back then, but I knew on some level that it wasn’t right. So we stopped talking about my brother for a while, but we slowly drifted back into our old ways.  

I said to to my father, “Hey, we’ve drifted back into talking about him again, and that’s not really what I want to do.” I then realized that I didn’t have anything to talk to my father about! I really didn’t want to share anything about my life with my dad. I had a very hard time feeling secure and safe in talking with my dad, so there was no way I was going to be vulnerable with him. 

I realized that gossip prevents us from being intimate with people. Here’s why – when my dad and I were always talking about my brother, we were not talking about ourselves. You can’t develop a close, intimate relationship with someone if you don’t talk about yourselves!

In addition, when you’re gossiping with someone, they know that you’re gossiping with them, and on some level (whether it’s conscious or not), they’re wondering, “What are you saying about me behind my back?” and they’re not likely to be vulnerable with you.

Gossip prevents intimacy.

My family was not interested in creating intimacy, they didn’t know how. I’m not blaming them, it’s what they were taught. They could not have done it any differently. They did the best they could with the tools that were given them.

If you’ve been a lifelong gossiper like I was, let me serve as living proof that you can stop. Learning direct communication skills and how to keep the focus on yourself will get you started.

When I keep the focus on myself, which is the only thing I can control in this world, I’m much more likely to stop gossiping. Not only did I need to understand what gossip was, but I also needed to understand why I did it.

Personally, it helped me to be able to stop by first understanding where it came from – my family pattern of indirect communication, and why I did it – because I wanted to blame other people for my problems. If you recognize any of these patterns in your own life, know that change is possible. Start by paying attention to your conversations and asking yourself: ‘Is this my business?'”