Ep. 356: How to Stop Managing Other People’s Reactions and Feel Safer Inside

I recently articulated something to myself that sits underneath almost all of my work.

In fact, I think it explains why “keep the focus on yourself” has been my mantra for so many years.

For a long time, I taught that principle because I knew it worked.

Now I think I understand why it works.

The insight is this:

You can’t create internal safety by focusing externally.

I’m going to say that again because I think it’s that important.

You can’t create internal safety by focusing externally.

What I see over and over again, both in recovery and in my work with clients, is that people are trying to create a sense of safety by managing the external world.

They’re trying to feel safe inside by controlling what happens outside.

They want to feel accepted, loved, valued, respected, included, and secure.

And let me be clear, there’s nothing wrong with wanting those things. Human beings are wired for connection. We want to belong. We don’t want to be rejected, abandoned, ridiculed, judged, or excluded. The worst thing you can do to a human is ostracize them.

The problem isn’t wanting safety.

The problem is where we’re looking for it.

Instead of creating safety internally, we try to create circumstances that will make us feel safe.

We think:

“If everyone approves of me, I’ll be safe.”

“If nobody is upset with me, I’ll be safe.”

“If I have enough status, I’ll be safe.”

“If I’m indispensable, I’ll be safe.”

“If everyone thinks I’m a good person, I’ll be safe.”

“If I can prevent rejection, I’ll be safe.”

So we spend enormous amounts of energy managing other people’s perceptions, emotions, reactions, and experiences.

That was my experience as a people pleaser, but I didn’t even realize I was doing all that.

I put an enormous amount of energy into image management.

Not because I consciously thought, “I don’t care about myself.”

But because my attention was directed outward.

I wasn’t asking:

“What do I think?”

“What do I want?”

“What do I need?”

“What feels true to me?”

“What would create safety inside me?”

In fact, in many of my romantic relationships, I showed up as though I had no needs at all.

I was basically saying, “I’m just here to meet your needs.”

Of course that’s unsustainable.

Eventually I became resentful because none of my needs were getting met.

And here’s the funny part:

I blamed them.

Even though I was the one acting like I didn’t have any needs.

Instead, the questions driving my behavior were things like:

“What will they think?”

“How will they react?”

“How do I keep them happy?”

“How do I avoid their disappointment?”

Now, these weren’t conscious thoughts running through my head.

But that’s what was operating underneath my behavior.

And from this perspective, people pleasing isn’t really about being nice.

It’s a safety strategy.

An exhausting, ineffective safety strategy.

One of the most painful things I’ve realized is that I cared more about people seeing me as helpful than I cared about actually being helpful.

I cared more about being seen as reliable than I cared about whether what I was doing was healthy for me.

I cared more about protecting my image than I cared about protecting myself.

That’s what happens when we’re seeking safety externally.

And that’s why the strategy eventually fails.

Because no matter how hard you work, you can’t manage everyone else’s thoughts, feelings, reactions, choices, and opinions.

It’s impossible.

So people eventually become exhausted.

Resentful.

Anxious.

Controlling.

Disconnected from themselves.

Because they’re trying to do something that simply can’t be done.

Then one day they realize:

This isn’t working.

And that’s often when they find me.

Most people come to me because they want better relationships – whether with themselves, in romance, family, at work, in friendships. That’s what it all boils down to.

What surprises them is that we spend far less time talking about other people than they expected.

We spend most of our time working no how they can stop abandoning themselves.

Because I’ve discovered that boundaries aren’t primarily about managing relationships.

They’re about creating internal safety.

The healthier relationships are almost a byproduct.

The real goal is becoming a person who no longer depends on external circumstances to feel okay.

Not because external things don’t matter.

But because they can never reliably provide what you’re actually seeking.

So this is how I see the progression:

I feel unsafe inside.

I try to manage people, situations, and outcomes.

I become exhausted, resentful, anxious, controlling, or disconnected from myself.

I realize the strategy isn’t working.

I begin turning my attention inward.

I learn to create safety from within.

I stop needing the external world to constantly reassure me that I’m okay because I’m okay already.

Then, I can finally relate to other people without abandoning myself. I’m not trying to get anything from them, like approval, because I have my own approval, I’ve created my own safety from within.

And that brings me to one of my favorite quotes about boundaries by Prentis Hemphill:

“Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me at the same time.”

I love that quote.

But recently I realized something.

The thing that makes it possible to love you and me at the same time is internal safety.

When I’m seeking safety externally, I often sacrifice myself to preserve connection.

I abandon myself so I can belong.

I override myself so other people won’t be uncomfortable.

I betray my values so I won’t risk rejection.

But when I create safety internally, I no longer have to choose between connection and self-abandonment.

I can remain connected to you while remaining connected to myself.

And that’s where social boundaries come in.

Because social boundaries aren’t really about other people.

They’re about staying connected to yourself while you’re with other people.

Most people think social boundaries are about managing difficult people.

I think they’re about something much deeper.

They’re about remaining yourself in relationships.

So how do we do that?

First, we recognize when we’re leaving ourselves.

Many social struggles begin when we start managing other people’s feelings, worrying excessively about what they think, over-giving, over-explaining, seeking approval, or taking responsibility for experiences that aren’t ours to manage.

The first social boundary is noticing when you’ve left your own lane.

Second, return to yourself.

Before deciding what to say or do, reconnect with what you think, what you feel, what you need, what you want, and what your limits are.

This is the internal boundary that comes before the external one.

Third, communicate clearly.

Not perfectly.

Not forcefully.

Not in a way that guarantees agreement.

Just clearly.

This is where many people think boundary work begins.

I don’t.

Because even if you know what to say, that doesn’t mean you can say it.

And even if you can say it, that doesn’t mean you’ll be able to stand behind it.

Fourth, allow other people to have their experience.

This is where many boundaries collapse.

People communicate a boundary and then immediately explain, defend, justify, rescue, negotiate, or backpedal.

They want the boundary and the approval.

But social boundaries aren’t really in place until you’re willing to let other people have their reactions, whether they approve or disapprove

They get to be disappointed or disapprove.

They get to be upset.

They get to have their feelings.

And they get to manage them.

Just like you get to manage yours.

This is where internal safety becomes essential.

Finally, create relationships based on reality.

Healthy social boundaries create relationships based on choice rather than obligation.

Honesty rather than performance. 

Respect rather than control. 

Reality rather than people pleasing.

In other words…

I spend time with you because I want to, not because I feel like I have to.

I tell the truth about how I feel instead of pretending.

I allow you the autonomy of running your own life and stop trying to control your perception of me or trying to manage your feelings.

I stop acting like I don’t care about things I clearly care about.

The goal of social boundaries isn’t distance from people.

The goal is closeness without self-abandonment.

Or, to use a driving metaphor:

Staying in your own lane.

Because when you stop trying to create safety by managing everybody else, you finally have enough energy to create safety where it actually matters.

Inside yourself.