Ep. 355: Social Boundaries: How to Stay Connected to Yourself Around Other People

This month’s theme is social boundaries, in thinking about this, I realized that for most of my life, social situations were exhausting for me because I abandoned myself constantly in order to make other people comfortable.

I didn’t understand that at the time.

I thought I was being nice, flexible, accommodating and easygoing.

But what I was really doing was overriding myself over and over again.

And eventually that led to resentment, exhaustion, frustration, and honestly a lot of relationships that didn’t actually feel good to me.

So today I wanna talk about social boundaries, not in the sense of etiquette or rules or controlling other people, but in terms of how to stay connected to yourself while being connected to others.

Because I think that’s really what healthy social boundaries are about.

They help you participate in relationships and social situations without abandoning yourself in the process.

One of the biggest things boundaries helped me understand is that uncertainty is not the same thing as kindness.

A perfect example is social gatherings.

If I have people over to my house now, I’ll often say something like, “The party is from 7:00 to 9:30.”

That may sound really simple, but years ago I never would’ve done that because I would’ve worried that people would think I was rude or controlling or too rigid.

So instead I would secretly hope people would leave when I was tired.

And then I’d become resentful when they didn’t. and I didn’t have the capacity to say, “Hey, I’m getting tired and need to go to bed” or “it’s time to start winding down.” I just quietly stewed and suffered.

But now, by communicating clearly ahead of time, I don’t have to manage all that internal resentment because everybody already knows what the expectation is. This is called have proactive boundaries rather than reactive frustration.

And what’s interesting is that boundaries often help other people function better too

I remember early in recovery, a woman asked me to help her move. I told her, “I can be there from 2:00 to 4:00.”

And afterward she said something really interesting to me. She said it was actually extremely helpful for her to know that because she could organize the rest of the day around my availability and save certain tasks for when I was there.

That moment really stood out to me because it helped me really internalize the notion that boundaries aren’t selfish.

Clarity helps people. Clarity is kind.

People who struggle with boundaries often think vagueness is kindness, but clarity is usually kinder. So saying, “I can help whenever you need me” or “I don’t care where we go, where do you want to go?” isn’t always kind.

Another area where social boundaries became really important for me was around food because I’m in recovery from compulsive overeating and sugar addiction.

And in the beginning, I thought I had to explain myself to people.

So if someone offered me dessert, I’d say, “I don’t eat sugar.”

And suddenly I’d turn into a research project.

“Well, do you eat fruit?”
“What about honey?”
“What about this?”
“What about that?”

That didn’t feel good, so then I shifted to saying, “I don’t eat sweets.”

But then people would say things like, “Oh my God, you’re so good. I could never do that.”

And eventually I’d end up overexplaining and disclosing deeply personal information about my recovery that people really didn’t need to know and that made me feel unnecessarily vulnerable, often to complete strangers!

I thought I needed to justify my boundaries in order for them to be acceptable.

What I eventually learned is that I don’t owe everybody access to my private inner world.

So I finally landed on saying something much simpler:
“I have food issues.”

And interestingly, when I started saying that, people stopped asking questions.

I said enough to protect myself without making myself unnecessarily vulnerable.

That was a huge lesson for me because overexplaining is often an attempt to create safety through other people’s approval or understanding.But didn’t know that back then, I thought I was being considerate by explaining myself. Now I know I was trying to justify myself beasue it made me feel safe.

I went from overexplaining → defending → justifying → concise self-protection. It was a journey, and that’s often what boundary building is like, it’s an experimental process where you get to know youself better, then act on that new knowledge.

And sometimes boundaries mean recognizing:
I can protect myself without getting permission from other people.

I also had to learn environmental boundaries around food.

For years I tried to “be normal” at potlucks.

I told myself:
“I’ll just have one plate.”
Then:
“I’ll only try three things.”
Then:
“I’ll only have the potluck dish that I bring.”

None of it worked for me.

And eventually I realized I needed to stop trying to overpower environments that repeatedly destabilized me.

So now, if I go to a potluck, I usually bring something I like to eat, plate my own food ahead of time, and eat only that.

That’s not punishment.
That’s self-protection.

And if people feel awkward about me bringing my own food, I understand now that their discomfort is theirs to manage.

My boundaries are for me, not against them.

I think that’s one of the hardest things for people to understand about social boundaries.

Your job is not to manage everybody else’s emotional reactions to your self-care.

I stopped relying on willpower and started designing situations that support my recovery.

This is important because many people think boundaries are only verbal.

But social boundaries can also look like:

• bringing your own food
• leaving early
• driving separately
• limiting time exposure
• setting start/end times
• not attending certain events
• choosing smaller gatherings
• declining emotionally draining dynamics

Another huge area of social boundaries for me has been friendships.

Before recovery, I didn’t understand my codependence at all.

I did most of the work in my friendships.

I made the calls.
I sent the texts.
I initiated the plans.
I accommodated everybody else’s schedule.
I chose to do what they wanted to do.

And then I felt resentful.

But instead of talking to my friends directly, I complained about them to other people.

What recovery helped me realize is that relationships don’t actually have to work that way.

So rather than confronting all my friends, I started experimenting with doing less.

I stopped carrying the entire relationship.

And what I found was that many friendships simply faded away.

That was painful.

But honestly, it was less painful than living with constant resentment.

And at the same time, I started building friendships in recovery where there was actual mutuality.

We’d go out for coffee after meetings.
We’d spend time together outside meetings.
People initiated with me too.

I started experiencing what it felt like to be in relationships where the emotional labor wasn’t entirely one-sided.

And one of the things I eventually realized is that some people seemed invested in me because they came to me with problems all the time, but that’s not necessarily the same thing as mutual connection.

There’s a difference between being needed and being loved.

I do want depth in friendships.
I do wanna process hard things with people.

But I also want joy.
I want playfulness.
I want reciprocity.
I want connection that isn’t built entirely around emotional caretaking.

And one of the most important friendship boundaries I’ve developed is this:

I’m not going to do more than 50% of the work in maintaining a relationship.

Now, that doesn’t mean I rigidly keep score.

It means I pay attention to how relationships feel.

And honestly, what happened over time is I didn’t usually make dramatic decisions about ending friendships.

It was more that after years of reaching out to certain people and feeling ignored or dismissed or emotionally drained, it just stopped feeling good to keep trying. 

I didn’t decide:
“That’s it. I’m done.”

I just listened to myself.

And I think that’s really what social boundaries are ultimately about.

Not becoming rigid, antisocial or trying to control people.

But creating relationships and social experiences where you don’t have to leave yourself behind in order to participate.

Because when you stop abandoning yourself socially, something really beautiful happens:

You stop building relationships out of exhaustion, resentment, overfunctioning, and performance.

And you start building relationships where you can actually feel safe being yourself.

so many of us over-givers confuse:
• pursuit with love
• accommodation with friendship
• and emotional labor with connection

There’s a difference between being needed and being loved.

AS a recap, here are some of the major themes I hear mentioned:

1. Social boundaries reduce resentment before it starts

Social boundaries are often about reducing unnecessary emotional exposure

Social boundaries are about structuring environments that support who you want to be

Friendship boundaries are about mutuality, not scorekeeping

Social boundaries aren’t about becoming rigid or antisocial.They’re about creating relationships and social experiences where you don’t have to leave yourself behind in order to participate.”