Ep. 333: How Boundaries Create Secure Attachment in Romantic Relationships

Have you ever noticed that you keep ending up in the same relationship pattern, chasing, pulling away, or swinging between the two, no matter who you’re with? A lot of people explain that through attachment styles. Today, I want to talk about attachment from a slightly different angle, how boundaries and recovery can actually create secure attachment, even if you didn’t grow up with it.

 Right out of the gate, I want to be really clear about something. I am not an attachment expert. I’m not a therapist who specializes in attachment theory. I’m not going to go deep into the nuances or the research or the subtypes.

What I do know are the basics. And what I am is a boundaries expert. And over time, through my own recovery and my own lived experience, I’ve come to see a really powerful connection between attachment, boundaries, and internal safety. That’s what I want to explore today.

Most of us have heard that there are four basic attachment styles.

There’s anxious attachment. These are the people we often think of as chasers. When they feel anxious or disconnected, they move toward other people. They pursue. They text. They reach out. They try to close the gap. For someone with anxious attachment, connection is what settles their nervous system. Until they feel connected, they feel uneasy, unsafe, and activated.

Then there’s avoidant attachment. These are often the people being chased by the anxiously attached folks. They tend to feel smothered or crowded. Too much closeness feels overwhelming. They need space. Distance feels regulating to them. So when someone moves toward them emotionally, their instinct is to pull back.

Then there’s disorganized attachment, which has qualities of both. And honestly, before recovery, I think that was me.

I would start off a relationship anxiously attached. I’d chase. I’d over invest. I’d act like I was totally fine and didn’t need anything. I’d merge myself into the other person, their life, their identity, their needs. I’d abandon myself completely and call it love.

And then, inevitably, I’d feel smothered. Because of course I did. There was no room for me. I’d wake up one day filled with resentment and think, get the fuck away from me. That swing from chasing to pushing away is classic disorganized attachment.

The last attachment style is secure attachment, which is what most of us are striving for. Securely attached people generally had caregivers early in life who were emotionally available enough. They felt seen. They felt soothed. They learned that connection was safe and that they were allowed to be themselves.

Attachment styles are usually formed very early in life, when we are babies and young children, based largely on our relationships with our caregivers.

And this is where recovery comes in.

As many of you know, I’m in ACA, Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families. In ACA, we talk about the core wound of abandonment. And for some people, that was literal. A parent died. A parent left. There was divorce, estrangement, foster care, addiction, chronic illness. Someone was physically unavailable.

But for all of us in ACA, even if our parents were physically present, there was emotional abandonment. Our caregivers couldn’t help us identify, tolerate, process, or express our feelings. And usually that’s because no one taught them how to do that either.

So we grew up learning that our internal world didn’t have a safe home. And the result is that many of us develop insecure attachment styles that can end up running our adult relationships.

Now, again, I’m not an attachment expert. I do know a couple of people who are, and I’ll put their information in the show notes. One is a man and one is a woman, because I know some people feel more comfortable working with someone of the same gender.

But here’s what I want to offer from my lane.

What I have learned is that building healthy boundaries actually creates secure attachment.

Let me say that again, because this was a lightbulb moment for me.

Boundaries create secure attachment.

Not just with other people, but with yourself.

When we have poor boundaries, our focus is almost entirely external. We’re focused on other people, what they think, how they feel, whether they’re okay, whether they’re mad at us, whether they’re pulling away. We’re scanning constantly.

And when we’re focused externally like that, we are not connecting internally. We’re not checking in with ourselves. We’re not listening to our own needs, wants, limits, or values.

And you can’t attach to yourself if you’re never with yourself.

This past year, I was a guest on a podcast with an attachment specialist. And while we were talking, I had this sudden realization. I said something like, oh my God, boundaries create secure attachment.

And she said, yes. That’s exactly right.

I’ve taken attachment quizzes. I’ve taken hers. I’ve taken others. And I know that today, I’m securely attached. And I don’t believe that’s because my childhood suddenly changed retroactively. I believe it’s because I’m attached to myself now.

Another thing I’ve been talking about more and more is that boundary work is really about creating internal safety.

When you build boundaries, you show up for yourself. You follow through for yourself. You stop overriding yourself. You start to trust yourself.

You know who you are. You know where you end and where other people begin. You know what’s okay with you and what’s not. And that creates security.

It means you can tolerate discomfort. You can withstand someone being upset with you. You can survive judgment, rejection, even loss. Not because it doesn’t hurt, but because you’re not falling apart internally.

You’re okay before the thing happens. And you’re still okay after.

And I cannot stress this enough. This was one of the most important insights of my recovery.

When I stopped abandoning myself, I stopped being so afraid of abandonment.

Think about how ironic that is.

The thing adult children fear most is abandonment. And yet, abandoning ourselves is what we learned to do in order to be loved. So we bring self abandonment into our relationships. We disappear inside them. We’re not even really there.

And then we’re terrified of being abandoned.

When you stop abandoning yourself, you stop building abandonment into your relationships. You become present. You become real. You stay with yourself.

I trust myself now. I know I’ll show up for myself. I know I’ll have my own back. I know I’ll take care of myself.

And the way I learned how to do that was through boundary work. Not overnight. Not perfectly. But step by step. Iteratively. Experimentally.

And if you add a higher power into that mix, especially for those of us in recovery, there’s even more grounding. Because you’re not only not abandoning yourself, you’re also connected to something that cannot abandon you.

So if you’re someone who struggles with anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, or that back and forth disorganized pattern, I want you to hear this.

Secure attachment can be built.

And one of the most direct paths to it is learning how to build healthy boundaries.

Not to control other people. Not to push people away. But to stay connected to yourself.

Because when you’re securely attached to you, relationships stop feeling like life or death. And they start feeling like places you can actually show up as who you are.

If this resonates and you want help building boundaries that create internal safety and more secure relationships, you can start by exploring the resources I have linked in the show notes. And if you’re ready for deeper support, sign up for a free 30 minute “Say No without Guilt” call withme at barbchat.net