Ep. 332: Why Knowing Better Isn’t Enough and How to Train Your Nervous System Instead

There’s something I want to talk with you about today that I’ve found enormously helpful, especially at this time of year when many of us are spending more time with family.

Family time can be beautiful. It can also be deeply activating.

And when people get activated, one of the most common things I hear is,
“I know better.”
“I know my boundaries.”
“I understand why this is happening.”

And yet their body does something else entirely.

So today I want to talk about why that happens, and what actually helps.

I also want to share a set of nervous system practices that I’ve been using and teaching informally, because they work. And I want to do that in a way that stays in integrity.

These practices come from a handout by someone named Kyle Cox. I don’t know him personally. I’ve had a hard time finding clear information about his credentials beyond how he describes himself. So I’m not presenting this as medical advice, and I’m not asking you to take anyone’s authority on blind faith.

I’m sharing this because the practices themselves are body based, practical, and effective. I’ve found them enormously helpful, and I know others who have too.

So take what’s useful. Leave the rest.

Here’s the foundational idea that makes all of this make sense.

Your nervous system reacts faster than your thinking brain.

By the time you think, “I need to calm down,” your body has already launched into a response.

That’s not a personal failure. That’s biology.

Your nervous system is designed to protect you. It doesn’t wait for permission from your intellect. It moves first, asks questions later.

This is why affirmations often feel hollow when you’re activated.
Why reasoning with yourself doesn’t work in the moment.
Why you can understand your patterns perfectly and still get hijacked.

You’re not weak. You’re human.

And this is where I want to say something very explicitly, because it’s one of the most important points.

You don’t train your nervous system during an emergency.

First responders don’t train during emergencies either. They train FOR emergencies.

Firefighters don’t learn how to handle a blaze while the building is on fire.
Paramedics don’t figure out protocols while someone’s bleeding out.
They train ahead of time, so their bodies know what to do when thinking is limited.

Your nervous system works the same way.

If you wait until you’re triggered to try to regulate yourself, you’re already behind the curve.

Training happens before the moment.
Practice happens when you’re calm enough to choose it.

That’s not about perfection. It’s about repetition.

So let me walk you through four very common nervous system states people fall into, especially around family, and the kind of practices that actually help interrupt them.

You’ll probably recognize yourself in at least one of these.

Before I share them I want to say this: 

 If you practice one of the different types of exercises I mention here each day, and rotate through them, you’ll be pre-training your nervous system for an emergency. What I’ve found is that I’m not triggered anywhere near as much, and also that my resting state as even more calm than it was previously.

The first is freeze.

Freeze looks like shutting down, dissociating, going numb, going quiet, feeling far away, or like you can’t quite move or speak.

When someone is frozen, talking doesn’t help. Insight doesn’t help. Processing doesn’t help.

Freeze is ancient. It’s older than fight or flight.

So what helps freeze is not words. It’s sensation and movement.

Cold temperature, like splashing cool water on your wrists or face.
Strong muscle contraction, squeezing your body tight and then releasing.
Big obvious movement, shaking your hands, stomping your feet, turning your head side to side.

The body needs proof that it’s here and now, not back then. Pick one of more of these practices and do them for 10 seconds at a time.

The second state is rage.

This doesn’t always look like explosive anger. Sometimes it’s irritation, snapping, tightness in the jaw, or a low simmer that feels like it might boil over.

Anger is energy. It’s meant to move.

So what helps rage is controlled physical effort.

Pushing against a wall.
Twisting a towel.
Clenching muscles and releasing.
Running in place for a few seconds.

This isn’t about suppressing anger. It’s about letting it complete its cycle safely.

The third state is fawn.

This one comes up a lot for the people I work with.

Fawn looks like people pleasing, over explaining, minimizing yourself, saying yes when you mean no, or abandoning yourself to keep the peace.

What helps here is taking up space.

Standing with your feet wide and your arms extended like a starfish
Letting your arms extend and pushing them outward, as if you’re pushing against the air
Saying the word no out loud, even if no one else is there. Say it at least 10x and get louder as you go

This teaches your nervous system that it’s safe to exist, safe to have needs, safe to take up room. 

If your body doesn’t believe that taking up space is safe, your boundaries won’t hold.

The fourth state is flight.

Flight looks like the urge to escape. To leave the room. To distract. To scroll. To check out mentally or physically.

What helps flight is grounding and rooting.

Pressing your feet into the floor.
Engaging your legs and glutes.
Holding a position for a short time and staying present with it, such as plank position or a wall push up

This shows your nervous system that staying is possible. That stillness doesn’t equal danger. You might also try saying emphatically, Im here, I’m safe, I stay. I’ve found saying that really powerful.

Now here’s the most important part, and I really want you to hear this.

These practices work best when they’re practiced regularly, not just when you’re triggered.

You don’t have to do all of them. You don’t have to do them perfectly.

You might choose one and practice it once a day for thirty seconds.

You’re teaching your nervous system a new memory.

So when you’re with family.
When something old gets activated.
When your body starts to react before your mind catches up.

It’s easier to respond instead of react.

Sometimes the trigger doesn’t even fully land.

That’s not because you controlled yourself better.
It’s because your nervous system learned something new.

This is how internal safety is built.

Not by forcing yourself to be calm.
Not by shaming yourself for reacting.
But by showing your body, again and again, that now is different from then.

Family gatherings have a way of waking up old patterns.

These practices don’t make you immune to that.

They make you more resourced.

They shorten recovery time.
They increase choice.
They help you come back to yourself faster.

And that, to me, is what boundaries and healing are really about.

Not never getting activated.
But knowing how to come home to yourself when you do.

If this resonated, you might choose one small practice to try this week. Not in the heat of the moment. But beforehand.

Train for the moment, not during it.