How to Leverage Your Codependent Powers for Good (Yes, Really)

Issue 128. August 8, 2025 ✨ Higher Power Coaching & Consulting ✨

Turn your people-pleasing tendencies into powerful tools for recovery

I’m pretty sure I coined this phrase years ago, and I’ve used it ever since with clients and recovery fellows:

Leverage your codependent powers for good.

It might sound a little playful, but it’s something I mean seriously.

There are people who put an incredible amount of energy into trying to manage others. They aim to keep the peace, control outcomes, stay liked, or avoid conflict. That kind of hyper-vigilant, people-focused behavior? It is textbook codependence. And even though those behaviors usually lead to overwhelm, resentment, or self-abandonment, they come from a deep place inside us that is trying to help us feel safe.

The good news is that all that effort can be redirected. You can actually harness those same tendencies in service of your healing.

That is what I mean by leveraging your codependent powers for good.

From Manipulation to Motivation

When I was in high school, there was a guy named Steve who was incredibly persuasive. I remember thinking he should go into sales because he could convince anyone of anything. He had charisma, persistence, and people skills that most adults would envy.

But instead of using that talent for something constructive, he used it to get out of assignments or manipulate situations to his benefit. It was frustrating to watch because it was so clear that if he had channeled even a fraction of that energy into something positive, he could have gone far.

I didn’t have the language for it then, but now I know what I was witnessing. He was choosing the only path he thought was available to him. And in many ways, that mirrors what codependents do. We exhaust ourselves trying to manage other people or prevent disaster, because it feels like the only way to be okay.

What I have learned in recovery is that this way of living is not only unsustainable, it is optional. And when we shift that effort inward, it takes far less energy and creates much better outcomes.

The Hidden Drain of Codependence

If you’re constantly worrying about what other people think of you, if you’re scanning the room for signs of rejection, if you’re trying to predict everyone’s response before you say or do anything, it is no wonder you feel depleted. Codependence is exhausting.

When you start practicing a different way of living, that energy drain begins to disappear. You have more space in your mind and body. You can focus on your own needs. You can rest.

One of the ways I began to interrupt my codependent patterns early on was by making use of accountability. I knew I was more likely to follow through on a boundary or behavior if someone else was expecting me to. So I used that tendency to my advantage.

If I told a friend, “I am not going to reply to that email for 24 hours,” I would stick to it. Not because I suddenly had impeccable self-discipline, but because I didn’t want to disappoint my accountability partner. I wanted to be seen as someone who kept their word.

That is what it looks like to turn your codependent reflexes into something that works for you, rather than against you.

Pleasing Others as a Starting Point

Just last week, a client told me she had followed through on her weekly goals because she wanted to make me proud. She admitted that she had been doing the work to please me.

And I told her, “That is okay, for now.”

We had co-created those goals together. They were in service of her well-being, her values, and her recovery. So if her motivation was to please me at the beginning, I was fine with that. Because what matters is that she followed through. That’s how new habits get built. That’s how we learn not to abandon ourselves.

Eventually, we want the motivation to come from within. We want to act on our own behalf because we value ourselves. But if pleasing someone else helps you get started, I say go ahead and use that to your advantage.

From House Shame to Self-Respect

Here is another example from my own life. Before recovery, I would only clean my house if I was expecting company. I would not do it just for me. I told people I loved entertaining, but what I really loved was having a reason to tidy up.

Now that I have stopped abandoning myself in a dozen different ways, I clean because I want to take care of myself. I do it for me. And even more importantly, I do not let the condition of my house prevent me from connecting with people.

I used to obsess over how others would judge my space. I would never invite someone over if everything wasn’t spotless. Now? I care more about how I feel about myself than how someone else might react.

People are going to judge. That is what humans do. We evaluate things. We discern. We form opinions. So I would rather be judged for the real me than for some polished-up version I created to impress someone else.

If you’re coming to my house, I hope you’re coming to see me. Not to inspect my baseboards.

Start Where You Are

So here is the invitation. If you know you have codependent tendencies, try using them in your favor. Let your desire to please others support your growth instead of draining you.

Maybe that looks like asking a friend to hold you accountable. Maybe it means working with a sponsor, a therapist, or a coach. Maybe it means noticing the ways you’re motivated by approval, and choosing to point that motivation toward your own healing.

Over time, you will not need that external push. You will do things for yourself. Because you matter. And because you are worth the effort.

But in the meantime, leverage those codependent powers for good. You might be surprised by how powerful they actually are.