20 Years Ago Today My Brother Pat Died

June 20, 2026 ✨ Higher Power Coaching & Consulting ✨

20 years ago today, my brother Pat died. He was 35. He was my “little brother“ (even though he was much taller and bigger than me). 

He died of Legionaire’s Disease, which only about 5% of people who get it do. 

He was severely debilitated by his bipolar disorder (with psychotic tendencies) and he smoked about 3 packs of cigarettes a day so his immune system was severely compromised. 

He didn’t really want to be here, so I was happy for him that his pain and suffering were over. 

But I became undone when he died. 

That’s how I’ve always understood it and explained it – I became undone. 

People always ask, “Were you close?” Close is not how I’d describe our relationship. I describe it as deep. 

We had deep philosophical conversations, solved all the problems of the world many times over, analyzed the shit out of ourselves, each other and our family. But I wouldn’t say we were close. 

I loved him. 

When he died, it felt like one of us was a tree, the other was a vine that had grown around it, and we’d been torn apart. I still don’t know which of us was the tree and which of us was the vine. 

I was diagnosed with depression 3 months before he died. Thank God! That meant I was already under the care of a psychiatrist and on antidepressants when he died. I went on a second antidepressant after he died. Then I had to try 7 different sleep aids before finding one that worked. 

I didn’t wear makeup for 2 1/2 years after he died because I just cried it off. 

I tried to go to two different grief support groups offered locally. One was at CT Hospice and was a 6 week group. The other people who showed up were the 3 sisters, wife and mother of the same dude who died. No thank you. I don’t want to join your private grief group. 

The I tried another 6 week grief group at a local hospital. When I arrived, they divided us up so all those whose spouses had died went into one group, and everyone else went into another. I was the only one in my “group” so they told me to come back. I never did. 

I didn’t know how to grieve. I was floundering. I was trying, and yet I couldn’t connect to these community resources for grieving people.

I came across a brochure or something like that about “Do’s and Don’t for Grieving People,” as well as “Your Rights As a Grieving Person.” They helped enormously. 

We suck at grief in this society. We do a terrible job at all things “feeling” and grief is one of the worst casualties. People don’t know what to say or not to say. They don’t know how to act, how to help. 

Right now, one of my dearest friends is grieving the death of her husband of 31 years with whom she’d been a couple for 37 years. High School sweethearts. They were true LIFE partners – they built a life, businesses, a family, a small farm together. She’s untethered. 

She feels like a freak. People say stupid shitty things to her and she feels like SHE has to make it okay for THEM, because she knows we suck as a society at grief. 

Clearly, I have a lot to say about grief. Before I end, I have a couple more things to say. 

I always thought the worst thing that would ever happen in my life would be my mom dying. Nope. It was Pat dying. 

And also, I don’t miss either of them. I know that may surprise you (frankly, it surprises me!). I don’t get it. I don’t know why I don’t miss them. I just don’t. 

Every few years, I’ll have a moment where I get struck with grief and just bawl. It seems to come out of nowhere, not connected to anything. But other than those moments, I don’t miss them. 

So whatever your experience of grief, it’s okay. Feel whatever you feel. Whenever you feel it. Fuck what anyone else thinks. 

And just in case it helps even one other person, I created a list of boundaries for grieving people. It includes the Do’s and Don’ts as well as the Rights, and a couple of other things I’ve found very helpful. 

Please share these with anyone – we’re all going to grieve at some point or other.

Lastly, I’ll say this: your grief belongs to you and no one else. You don’t have to “do grief” in any way other than how it comes out in you. You’re not “doing it wrong.” There is no right way to grieve, except perhaps in total isolation (though you may need lots of alone time).