"I said no to [soon-to-be-divorced-husband] about something today that I would’ve said yes to in the past, even though it is the last thing I wanted to do, and even when he said fine and started to stomp away, I didn’t relent and say “well we can look at it”, as is my pattern, but just sat there and let him walk away and sat with the terrible feelings that washed over me. I felt rigid, unkind, shame, uncooperative, not a team player and on and on. It really felt terrible, even though I absolutely knew I did not want to do the thing.

Now here’s the upside. Two hours later I just realized I don’t have to do the thing! And that starts to feel good. I didn’t know setting a firm boundary like that would feel so shitty at the time and try to convince me that a boundary is rigid and controlling. I think I have a real bias against rigidity and tend to extol the virtue of flexibility above all. I’m going to spend some time working on accepting my rigidity. She could hang out with me too, when needed, and without shame at her presence."