How to Go from Victim to Discernment: Reclaiming the Power to Choose

Issue 124, June 20, 2025 ✨ Higher Power Coaching & Consulting ✨

Recovery Is About Learning That You Have Choices

Recovery, at its core, is about reclaiming the ability to choose.

• You can choose hope over hopelessness.
• You can choose to act from faith rather than fear.
• You can choose to enjoy life rather than merely survive it.

If you think about it, addiction and compulsion are the opposite of choice. So when we begin the recovery journey, we’re moving toward choice, toward freedom.

But when we don’t feel like we have choices, we often try to control things instead. See the Continuum of Choice below.

Victim Mentality and the Illusion of No Choice

You know who doesn’t recognize choice? People with victim mentality. And I say that with compassion—because I was one of them.

Victims don’t recognize choice.
That realization was a huge paradigm shift for me. Honestly, I’d call it a spiritual awakening.

Many of us were actual victims in childhood. We were powerless, especially if we grew up in dysfunctional families. But over time, that powerlessness can harden into victim mentality, a belief that we have no agency.

And once we believe we have no choice, we don’t even look for one.

A Personal Example: Romantic Relationships

In past relationships, I used to say things like:

“If he would just [fill in the blank], this relationship would be fine.”

I genuinely believed the quality of the relationship was his responsibility. Not mine.
I didn’t see that I had any power, any say, or any role in how the relationship functioned.

Looking back, I can see how ludicrous that was, but at the time, I felt completely at the mercy of the situation.

What I couldn’t see then was that I had choices:

• I could have spoken up about my needs.
• I could have set boundaries.
• I could have left.
• I could have sought support.

But none of those felt like real options, because I didn’t believe I had the power to choose.

Recognizing the Pattern

Once I saw my victim mentality in romantic relationships, I started seeing it everywhere.

• In traffic, I acted like it was happening to me personally. (As if the highway was built just for Barb!)
• I felt victimized by delays, inconveniences, other people’s moods, even weather.

Someone Else’s Story: The Motorcycle Shop

I knew someone in recovery who owned a motorcycle shop. They had a toxic mechanic on staff, rude to customers, disrespectful to coworkers, and they put up with him for 15 years. Why?

Because they didn’t believe they had a choice.

They felt completely stuck. But in reality, they did have options:

• Hire someone new.
• Learn the work themselves.
• Explore other ways to run their business.

This is how black-and-white thinking keeps us stuck. We believe the only two options are:

1. Put up with it, or
2. Lose everything.

When in truth, life is full of shades of gray. I heard someone say the other day, “There are over 100 shades of gray.” There’s rarely only one right path.

Want More Choice? Assume You Have It

If you want to experience more choice in your life, start by assuming that you do have choices, even if you can’t see them yet.

Try this:

• Make a list of every possible option, even the ones that seem far-fetched or ridiculous.
• Don’t worry about whether they’re practical. Just get them out.
• Then look again, with discernment.

You might be surprised what opens up. This process can help you back away from rigid control and move toward trust, clarity, and agency. Because here’s the truth of recovery:

You can control your choices.
You cannot control people, places, or things.
And you certainly cannot control other people’s choices.

But your own? Those are yours. And they’re powerful.