Ep. 359:  Solo, Recovery, Boundary Setting, Relationships, Emotional Support, Focus on Self

359 – 5 Things to say when someone is trying to make you question your reality

Today I want to talk about something that many of us have experienced but often struggle to put into words.

What do you do when someone makes you question your own reality?

Maybe you’ve walked away from a conversation wondering, “Did that really happen the way I remember it?”

Maybe you’ve found yourself thinking, “Maybe I’m overreacting.”

Or perhaps you’ve spent hours replaying a conversation in your mind trying to figure out whether your feelings were justified.

This is what I experienced all the time as a child.

Growing up in a dysfunctional family, one of the most damaging effects of growing up in that dysfunction was  questioning my own perception. In other words, not trusting myself or my own judgment about what was real and what was not. 

There were things happening that nobody acknowledged.

There were emotions nobody talked about.

There were realities everyone seemed to agree not to mention. And I got the message, “don’t talk about those things,” but I couldn’t tell you HOW I got that message.

Nobody ever sat me down and said, “We’re going to pretend these things aren’t happening.”

But that was the message.

The result was that I learned to doubt my own experience.

I learned to look outside myself for confirmation that what I was seeing, feeling, and experiencing was real.

And when you don’t trust your own perceptions, boundaries become incredibly difficult. Hell, LIFE becomes incredibly difficult!

Because boundaries require you to believe yourself.

You have to trust your own experience enough to act on it.

You have to trust your own judgment enough to make decisions.

You have to trust your own reality enough to hold onto it when someone else disagrees.

Recently I came across five simple responses that can help when someone is trying to pull you away from your own reality. I wish I could remember who the guy was who posted about this, but I’m afraid I didn’t make note of his name, just his suggestions.

What’s important about these responses is that they’re not designed to change the other person.

They’re designed to help you stay anchored in yourself, which is what I teach all the time – keep the focus on yourself and your own internal experience. You can’t create internal safety by focusing externally.

Let’s walk through them.

The first one is:

“That’s not my experience.”

I love this response because it’s incredibly simple.

Notice what you’re not doing.

You’re not arguing.

You’re not trying to prove anything.

You’re not trying to convince the other person.

You’re simply stating your reality.

That’s not my experience.

Many of us were trained to defend our experiences.

To explain them.

To justify them.

To convince others that we’re right.

But when you say, “That’s not my experience,” you’re giving yourself permission to honor your own perception without seeking approval.

You’re saying:

You can have your experience.

I can have mine.

And I’m not abandoning myself to join yours.

The second response is:

“I’m not going to argue with you about what happened.”

This one is powerful because it refuses the invitation to engage.

Some conversations are really conversations.

Other conversations are endless loops.

No amount of explanation will create understanding because understanding isn’t actually the goal when someone communicates like this.

Their goal is to keep you engaged, not to communicate.

To keep you defending.

To keep you proving.

To keep you questioning yourself.

When you say, “I’m not going to argue with you about what happened,” you’re stepping out of the loop.

You’re recognizing that participation is optional.

And that’s an important decision boundary.

You get to decide which conversations deserve your energy.

The third response is:

“I hear you.”

Now some people struggle with this one because they think hearing someone means agreeing with them.

It doesn’t.

Hearing someone simply means acknowledging that they spoke.

I hear you.

Not:

You’re right.

Not:

I agree.

Not:

You convinced me.

Just:

I hear you.

This is one of the most important skills in healthy relationships.

The ability to acknowledge another person’s experience without making it your own.

Many of us were trained to absorb other people’s emotions, beliefs, and perceptions.

But hearing someone doesn’t require you to surrender your own reality.

The fourth response is:

“I’ve said everything I’m going to say.”

This is one of my favorites.

Because it demonstrates something I teach all the time.

A boundary isn’t about controlling another person’s behavior.

It’s about deciding what you’re going to do.

You can spend hours repeating yourself.

You can explain things twenty different ways.

You can keep hoping that the next sentence will finally make the other person understand.

Or you can decide you’re done.

“I’ve said everything I’m going to say.”

The conversation may continue.

But your participation doesn’t have to.

And finally, the fifth response:

“What is your goal with this conversation?”

This question changes the entire dynamic.

Instead of focusing on the content of the disagreement, it shifts attention to the purpose.

Why are we having this conversation?

What are we trying to accomplish?

What’s the desired outcome?

Sometimes this question reveals something important.

Sometimes the goal is understanding.

Sometimes the goal is problem solving.

And sometimes there doesn’t seem to be a goal at all.

Just confusion.

Just defensiveness.

Just control.

Just a desire to keep the conversation going.

Bringing attention to the purpose can create clarity very quickly.

As I thought about these responses, what struck me most was that none of them are really communication techniques.

They’re self trust techniques.

Each one helps you stay connected to yourself, remember your own experience and helps you avoid getting pulled into someone else’s version of reality.

And that’s why I wanted to talk about them today.

Because self trust isn’t just about making big life decisions.

It’s not just about choosing a career or ending a relationship.

Self trust is built in ordinary moments.

It’s built every time you honor your own experience.

Every time you take your perceptions seriously.

Every time you stay anchored in your reality when someone else wants you to leave it.

If you grew up in a family where your feelings were dismissed, your experiences were minimized, or your reality was questioned, this work may take time.

It certainly did for me.

But every time you choose to believe yourself, you’re strengthening that self trust muscle.

And over time, that changes everything.

Because boundaries become easier when you trust yourself.

Decisions become clearer when you trust yourself.

Relationships become healthier when you trust yourself.

And perhaps most importantly, you stop needing other people to tell you what’s real.

So let’s recap those 5 statements:

1. “That’s not my experience.”
This is self-validation in action.
You’re not arguing facts. You’re anchoring yourself in your own reality.

This fits perfectly with your idea that other people’s reactions are not evidence.

2. “I’m not going to argue with you about what happened.”
This is a refusal to participate.

Not escalation. Not shutdown.
Just a clear line: I’m not entering that loop.

This is internal safety showing up as behavioral choice.

3. “I hear you.”
This one is subtle, because it can feel like agreement if you’re not grounded.

But it’s actually containment.

You’re acknowledging without absorbing.
You’re letting their experience exist without making it yours.

4. “I’ve said everything I’m going to say.”
This is closure.

Not because the situation is resolved, but because you’re done engaging.

This is a lived example of what I say all the time:
Boundaries aren’t one-time statements, they’re something you hold.

5. “What is your goal with this conversation?”
This interrupts the pattern and brings intention into the room.

It shifts things from reactive to conscious.
And sometimes, it exposes that there is no real goal beyond control or confusion.

I’d love to hear how you use these statements and how they help you build self trust. Send me an email or fanmail through your podcast outlet.