Ep. 344: How to Stop Your Inner Torment and the Urge to Fix Everyone

Today’s episode was inspired by two pieces of feedback I received in the last couple of days.

One came through fanmail on my podcast, and the other came from someone in my coaching community.

Both of them point directly to something important about internal boundaries.

So I want to share both of them with you.

But first, a little bit of context.

Over the years on this podcast I’ve talked about two skills that are really foundational to boundary work.

One is pausing.

The other is what I call making things mean things they don’t.

Those are older episodes. I recorded them years ago. Rather than reteaching those ideas here, I’ll link both of those episodes in the show notes so you can go back and listen to them if you want.

Because those are two skills that make internal boundaries possible.

Pausing gives you space.

And questioning what your mind tells you to see if it’s true or not helps you stop reacting automatically.

Which brings me to the fanmail message.

Buzzsprout, the platform that hosts my podcast, has a feature called fanmail where listeners can send a message directly from whatever platform they’re listening on.

Apparently I’ve had that feature turned on for a long time.

And until recently I had never mentioned it on the show.

So someone sent me a message through fanmail, and I want to read the entire thing because it illustrates this topic perfectly.

[[WOW! I am not crazy- I never thought others do the same things to themselves. It is a as if I am not happy until I destroy myself emotionally with the “conversations in my head that I conjure up. Thank you for this I have listened to this over and over. So glad I found your podcast. Not fluffy or “instagramish”- ( I am sick of the (girly talk bullshit)you are real and you are real help! Praying more people find you for help out of the pit of the past. You have helped me sooo much over the years you have no idea. Have an awesome day!]

That’s the entire quote, but here’s the part I don’t want you to miss: It is a as if I am not happy until I destroy myself emotionally with the “conversations in my head that I conjure up.

When I read that message, especially that last part I just reread, something really stood out to me.

What this person was describing is the moment when they started noticing how quickly their nervous system jumps into fixing mode when someone else is upset or struggling.

That pattern is incredibly common for people who grew up in chaotic, emotionally unpredictable, or enmeshed environments.

When someone around you is distressed, your body reacts as if something dangerous is happening.

Your mind speeds up.

You start planning solutions.

You feel responsible.

You feel a sense of urgency.

And before you even realize what’s happening, you’re trying to manage the situation.

But one of the most important shifts in boundary work is realizing something simple but powerful:

Other people’s chaos is not danger.

For many of us, growing up, other people’s emotional chaos did feel dangerous.

Maybe someone exploded or withdrew.

Maybe someone became volatile, unpredictable or violent.

So your nervous system learned to treat emotional chaos as a threat.

And when your nervous system thinks something is dangerous, it tries to get you to control the situation.

But internal boundaries teach your nervous system something new.

They teach you that discomfort doesn’t mean danger.

Someone can be upset, disappointed, overwhelmed or experience any number of other difficulties

And none of that means you are responsible for fixing it.

Interestingly, something very related to this came up recently inside my coaching community.

I run a twice-monthly coaching group for women called Wholeness Haven, and someone shared something in our group chat that really struck me.

She described a situation where someone in her life was in emotional turmoil.

In the past, that kind of situation would have completely activated her.

She would have felt pulled to respond immediately and to fix it.

To stabilize it.

To help manage the other person’s emotions.

But this time something different happened.

She paused, stayed calm, and didn’t jump in.

She didn’t feel the same sense of urgency because she paused and thought about what was actually going on. Ther person’s problem is not my emergency!

And she noticed that shift in herself.

That’s what internal boundaries look like.

They’re not primarily about what you say.

They’re about what doesn’t happen inside you anymore.

You don’t spiral.

You don’t feel compelled to manage someone else’s emotions.

You don’t assume responsibility for the situation.

Instead, you stay with yourself.

This is what I mean when I say:

Internal boundaries strengthen your container so other people’s emotions don’t leak in.

Think of it like emotional containment.

When your internal boundaries are weak, other people’s emotions spill into your system.

You absorb them because your container is permeable or has holes in it.

You react to their emotions and try to fix them because they’re leaking into your inner territory.

But when your internal boundaries get stronger, your container gets stronger too. You shore up the sides, fill in the holes so it’s a sturdy container, not a permeable one.

You can witness someone else’s emotional experience without taking it on as your job.

You can care without collapsing into responsibility.

And this is where another boundary insight becomes incredibly helpful.

Because sometimes we jump into fixing mode before we even realize it.

And a good question to ask yourself is this:

Who’s invested in solving this situation?

Because very often the moment you find yourself doing the emotional labor, solving the problem, or carrying the concern…

You might discover something important.

If you’re more invested than they are, it’s a rescue mission.

That realization alone can change how you respond.

It doesn’t mean you stop caring.

It doesn’t mean you stop being compassionate.

But it does mean you stop assuming responsibility for experiences that belong to someone else. You stop resuing people. It’s fine, and even wonderful, to help people., but it’s not fine to rescue them!

And that’s the heart of internal boundaries.

Internal boundaries allow you to remain present, compassionate, and connected…

without abandoning yourself in the process.

Before I wrap up, I want to circle back to something I mentioned earlier.

If you ever want to share how something from the podcast landed for you, you can actually send a message directly through the fanmail feature on your podcast app.

Those messages come straight to me.

And clearly, they sometimes inspire entire episodes.

So if something you hear on this show resonates with you, you’re always welcome to send a message.

And if you want to explore the earlier concepts we touched on today, pausing and making things mean things they don’t, Ive linked those episodes in the show notes so you can listen to them.

Because those two skills are foundational.

They allow you to develop the internal steadiness that boundaries require.

And over time that steadiness creates a shift that once felt impossible.

You can care deeply about someone.

And still remain anchored in yourself.

I also want to leave you with four ideas from today’s episode.

If you take nothing else away, let these sink in.

Other people’s chaos is not danger.

Discomfort doesn’t mean danger.

Internal boundaries strengthen your container so other people’s emotions don’t leak in.

And when you find yourself rushing to fix something, remember this:

If you’re more invested than they are, or you’re doing over 50% of the work on a situation, it’s a rescue mission. And we don’t do rescue missions anymore!

These are the kinds of small shifts that gradually change how your nervous system responds to the world.

And over time, they make something possible that once felt very hard:

You can stay connected to other people without losing connection to yourself.