Ep. 342: Why Adult Friendships Can Feel Like Middle School and What to Do About It

Have you ever stayed at a table where you weren’t allowed to touch the table or talk?

Not literally. But emotionally.

Have you ever stayed in a friendship where the unspoken deal was this: “You can be here, but don’t take up space. Don’t have needs. Don’t react. Don’t make it awkward.”

That’s what we’re talking about today. Not just external boundaries, like what you say to other people, but internal boundaries, meaning what you decide inside yourself about what you will tolerate, what you will participate in, and what you will no longer pay for with your dignity.

March’s theme is internal boundaries, and today’s episode came from a listener who also reads my newsletter. She reached out with an idea, and I asked if she’d hop on a Zoom call with me to talk it through.

Because here’s something I’ve learned about myself: I’m an external processor. I come up with my best clarity while I’m talking. I record many of my episodes that way too. I’m talking to you, but I’m also thinking out loud.

So what she brought me was this question.

Why do so many people stay in friendships with people who are unkind to them?

Not romantic relationships. Not family. Friendships.

Why do adults replay the same social dynamics we saw in elementary school?

And then she shared a story that honestly made my stomach drop.

A little girl wanted to sit at the popular table at lunch. The girls told her she could sit with them, but only if she didn’t touch the table and didn’t talk.

And that little girl chose to sit there the whole year.

If you’ve ever been the kid who did that, or the adult who does that now in a more socially acceptable form, you already know the real question isn’t “Why would she do that?”

The real question is, “What did connection cost her long before that day?”

Because nobody pays that kind of price out of nowhere.

So let’s name the core idea.

People tolerate unkindness when they believe connection requires self abandonment.

They might not say it like that. They might not even know they believe it. But they live it.

And that’s where internal boundaries come in.

Internal boundaries are the decisions you make inside yourself that sound like:

I’m not paying for belonging with my dignity.

I’m not trading my emotional wellness for access to a group.

I’m not doing that to myself anymore.

That’s an internal boundary.

And without internal boundaries, external boundaries get shaky. Because if you’re still secretly afraid of disconnection, you’ll negotiate yourself right out of your own standards.

The real reason people stay

In that Zoom call, I told her something I say all the time in my work.

Most people aren’t staying because it feels good.

They’re staying because they believe the alternative is worse.

They think the alternative is being alone, being excluded, being “too much,” being the one nobody picks.

So they make a deal.

It’s a quiet deal, and it usually happens early in life.

It sounds like: “If I can just get approval, I’ll be safe. I’ll be connected.”

And then we grow up and we’re still living under that same contract.

Different setting. Same contract.

That’s why I don’t think it’s a maturity thing. I work with women in their 40s, 50s, 60s, and 70s, and this shows up constantly. Some people hit a point where they genuinely stop caring what people think. But many don’t. Plenty of high powered, capable women are still orienting their whole nervous system around approval.

Not because they’re weak.

Because they learned that connection was conditional.

Internal boundaries are about self approval

At one point in the conversation I said something I want to anchor here.

It’s fine to want other people’s approval.

But only if you have your own approval first.

Because if you do something just to get someone else’s approval and you feel like garbage about it, you’re compromising your integrity.

And it’s hard to get your integrity back once you’ve given it away.

But if you do something and you feel solid about it internally, then if they approve, great. That approval becomes a byproduct, not the goal.

That’s internal boundaries.

Internal boundaries are what keep you from abandoning yourself in the moment, even if someone’s disappointed, even if someone’s giving you that look, even if you might not get invited next time.

Internal boundaries sound like:

I can handle the discomfort of not being chosen.

I can handle the awkwardness of having standards.

I can handle the grief of outgrowing a connection that was never safe for me.

That’s what makes external boundaries possible.

The “toxic” part isn’t always obvious

In the call, I also said something important. Toxicity varies.

Sometimes it’s overt meanness.

Sometimes it’s the popular table cruelty.

But sometimes it’s more subtle and it’s still corrosive.

For me, before recovery, “toxic” often looked like this: I did all the work in my friendships.

I made the calls.

I planned the get togethers.

I kept the connection alive.

And I resented people for not showing up in the way I wanted them to.

But here’s the kicker.

It didn’t occur to me to stop doing all the work.

It didn’t occur to me that I could have standards for reciprocity.

Because in my body, in my nervous system, that was the price of connection.

And when I stopped over functioning, the friendships faded.

Which was painful.

But it was also information.

It showed me what was actually true.

Internal boundaries help you tolerate the temporary grief of that truth, so you don’t run right back into the familiar.

The table test

Let me give you a simple internal boundaries test. I call it the table test.

If the price of sitting at the table is that you can’t touch the table and you can’t talk, do you still want that table?

If the price of being included is that you can’t have needs, you can’t have feelings, you can’t disagree, you can’t bring your real self, do you still want that?

Internal boundaries are the moment you realize:

I don’t want that badly enough to betray myself.

And for some people, the answer is, “I do want it that badly.”

And I’m not here to shame that.

That answer usually means something. It points to what you’re starving for. It points to what connection has meant in your life. It points to what you learned you had to do to belong.

So instead of shaming yourself, you get curious.

What am I hoping this table will finally give me?

And what am I afraid will happen if I walk away?

That’s internal boundaries work.

Why some people seem to have great friends

My listener mentioned her husband has these lovely, caring, solid friends. And she realized it’s because he doesn’t tolerate people who aren’t good friends.

He doesn’t make a big dramatic announcement.

He just doesn’t give time to people who don’t treat him well.

That’s internal boundaries in action.

Internal boundaries aren’t always a big confrontation.

Sometimes they’re quiet.

Sometimes they’re simply the decision to stop investing in what doesn’t invest back.

3 steps to strengthen internal boundaries

If you’re listening and you’re thinking, “Okay Barb, but what do I actually do,” here are three steps. I put these in the show notes in case you want to copy them from there.

Step 1: Name the price you’re paying

Pick one relationship or group dynamic that leaves you feeling small, tense, resentful, or drained.

Finish this sentence:
The price of connection here is __________.

Examples:
I have to pretend I’m fine.
I have to laugh at things that hurt.
I have to work twice as hard.
I have to stay quiet.
I have to ignore my gut.
I have to over give.

Don’t judge it. Just name it.

Step 2: Tell the truth about the trade

Finish this sentence:
When I pay that price, I abandon myself by __________.

This is the internal boundary moment. You’re naming your part without blaming yourself.

You’re saying, “This is the pattern.”

Step 3: Set the internal boundary first

Before you decide what to say to anyone, decide this:

What will I no longer do to myself?

Examples:
I won’t stay at the table if I can’t be a human.
I won’t over explain to earn approval.
I won’t keep proving my worth.
I won’t do 90 percent of the relational labor anymore.

When that internal boundary is clear, the external boundary becomes much simpler.

And if you need a line, here’s a gentle one:
“I’m not available for that.”

Or:
“That doesn’t work for me anymore.”

Or even:
“I’m going to pass.”

Then you watch what happens.

Not to judge them. To gather information.

Because internal boundaries are also about reality testing. They help you stop living in hope and start living in truth.

Closing: 

This is the deeper point I want to land.

Internal boundaries create internal safety.

Because every time you choose your integrity over approval, your nervous system learns something new.

It learns: I can be connected to myself even if someone else is unhappy.

I can survive disapproval.

I can survive a social dip.

I can survive not being picked.

That’s not bravado. That’s safety.

And the more internal safety you build, the less you’ll feel compelled to sit at tables that require your self abandonment.

If this episode hit a nerve, and you can see the pattern in your own life, you don’t have to untangle it alone.

Unshakable You is my private coaching program where we build this from the inside.

Not just scripts. Not just strategy.

We work on the internal boundary that makes the external boundary actually hold.

We look at what you’ve been taught connection costs, we build internal safety, and we practice new choices until they feel like yours.

If you want to learn more, you can go to my website and look for Unshakable You, and you can book a Clarity and Connection call.

No pressure. Just a next step if you want support.

Here’s to you taking your own needs seriously without putting them on trial.