Ep. 330: Lost in Serenity with Guest Renee N.

🎙️ Episode 330: Lost in Serenity with Guest Renee N.

Barb: This is episode 330: Lost in Serenity with guest Renee N. Before we get started, I want you to know that we had some technical difficulties, and so this is not going to be the level of quality of recording as we’ve had in the past because I have to have Renee on the phone, we can’t get our other stuff to work. So, please bear with us. And I’m really excited to have Renee on the on this podcast. I have known her for quite a number of years, I don’t know, seven, eight, something like that, in recovery, and we have closely followed each other’s journeys of recovery. So, I’m excited to have her here to share her experience, strength, and hope and especially life lessons from 12-step recovery. So, welcome Renee.

Renee N.: Hi, welcome. Thank you for having me.

Barb: You’re welcome. So, feel free to just launch right in to whatever parts of your story of recovery you are willing to share. We would like to hear as much detail as you’re comfortable sharing.

Renee N.: Okay, of course. Oh, excuse me. I was just coughing. Uh, hello, I’m Renee N., and I’m an adult child and an alcoholic. I am, um, not only blessed to be able to give service today but also blessed to even be here today. Excuse me, sorry. How did I fall into the rooms of recovery? Oh, I guess I’ll talk about how it was, what I did, and how it is now.

How It Was

Renee N.: I grew up in a very small town in the ’80s, or ’70s, ’80s, on a small farm with two people that I feel should not have been married, let alone have kids. So, I have an older brother. I’m the youngest. And growing up, uh, things were very hectic. They were very, uh, how do I say this? Kind of like, uh, “Little House on the Prairie”. There were storms and wild dogs and shootings and, like, there was all kind of chaos. I had my first drink when I was probably about four. I thought it was eight, but over years of recovery, I probably had my first drink at four. My mom and dad fought bitterly. My dad was very controlling and very abusive, uh, physically and mentally. They divorced when I was 10-ish. And, uh, what I, I finally figured out over the, the course of recovery is that, um, when, when my father left, I, I took on a role of, of, uh, you know, the, the adult of the house, even though my mom was still there. By the time I was 11 or 12, I was drinking regularly, but I was also drinking regularly with my mom. I was like her bartender. Didn’t have a lot of friends, didn’t really go out too much, uh, didn’t, wasn’t a part of too much. My mom, uh, I won’t take her inventory, but was definitely, um, using alcohol to get through her divorce and life in general. I really had no contact with my father. So, just like growing up, uh, I felt, uh, different a lot. There was some, I won’t say inappropriateness with my mother, but it was, it was sexual abuse, which is something also I learned in the program that, um, you know, when, when one partner leaves, there’s a tendency for the other partner, there’s seeming to be abuse to occur. I, I don’t know how to process that right now. I was able to just talk about it without, you know, falling into a ball and crying hysterically since recovery, but I, I really haven’t, um, dealt into it or figured it out, so I am, I am looking for treatment on that aspect of my recovery.

Renee N.: So, just growing up, uh, I also say that, uh, at this very moment, I’m a 50-year-old, um, transgendered woman, um, that grew up in the ’70s and ’80s, uh, not understanding how I am in the world, uh, who I was, what I was. We had no real queer representation, and anything that I did hear that was close to what, um, I was, I was told, ‘Boys don’t do that’, uh, and, you know, ‘Don’t, don’t act like, you know, we, we came from the world of, uh, go to the bathroom all together, me and my cousins, because that’s where,’ and this is a quote, this is nothing I, you know, ‘This is where the, the homos will touch you, so we had like watch each other’s back’. Like that’s, that’s what we kind of grew up in. So, there was already like self-hate and self-loathing. I was always a chubby kid, um, uh, with glasses, um, because I thought because I was just, uh, a piece of garbage. But no, it’s because the adults in my life didn’t feed me nutritious food that wasn’t fattening. Like that’s crazy. Like I came into recovery at 43. I drank regularly from, um, from 13 to 43. I, I would dress, um, in feminine clothing. We’d get a little stash together over time, and then sooner or later, I just get all freaked out and I would throw it away and, and, um, I had such a high level of anxiety and depression from the physical, mental, and the sexual abuse that I, I didn’t really even know how to function. I was kind of dead inside. I was numb. I was regularly smoking, drinking. I weighed about 300 pounds, um, by the time I was 23.

Renee N.: I was a, uh, all through high school, I worked 40 hours a week. I smoke, I paid for my own beer, my own cigarettes, my own car, my own gas. I would give my mom money so the phone wouldn’t get shut off. We were like really poor growing up. And then, uh, I end up going to a conservatory, um, and learning, um, kind of like, uh, music production. I played in a band, I toured in a band, and then, um, my drinking, um, and my anxiety, uh, got me to quit the band. I didn’t notice the drinking and anxiety. I just thought it was because, you know, these people drink too much and I need to get away from them, or I was too alone. I had met somebody when I was 17, and in my head, I was going to fix the family, so we were going to get married young. We’re going to have a lot of kids, and I’m going to prove to my family that I’m worth something, and I’m going to fix this family because I’m going to be the greatest, um, person. I’m going to be the patriarchal person that’s going to set this family straight. Uh, that did not go out well. Uh, as a being a broken person, I hooked up with a broken person who also suffered through trauma and had their own problems. And most of the years of our, our marriage were spent going from psychiatric ward to psychiatric ward dealing with certain mental illnesses while I hid my drinking. But also, I was just a kid. Like this is the other thing when we grow up, when I grew up, I was basically told I was adult by the time I was like five or six. Um, so, by the time I was 23, I in my head, I’d been an adult for like 15 years. I was kind of, you know, it was time to, you know, get married and get serious about life and not stop fucking around.

Barb: I say fuck all the time on this podcast. It’s okay.

Renee N.: Yeah, yeah. Totally. What, are you fucking crazy? Of course, I say it. Uh, but, yeah, so like I thought I was like full-blown adult in 23. And now I see 23-year-olds now, and I’m just like, oh my God, I was just, I was like a baby. Um, and also in all that time, I was, I was a workaholic because we grew up really poor, so I, I was lucky enough to get this opportunity, uh, to get into a field that I was very passionate about, but also I was terrified. So, I worked 70, 80-hour weeks. I never said no. Um, you know, if a boss said I had to stay and work a 24-hour shift, I’d do it. I would never speak up for myself. I never stand up for myself. I would never, I would get bullied, I get pushed around, you know, um, in all of my career. That’s, that’s, that’s been a long longevity.

Renee N.: So, fast forward, I go through my 30s. I, I have some bouts of drinking, but I kind of keep making controlled stops. I find different ways to control my drinking. Uh, at 34, I met this amazing woman, um, which at the time, I was dating whoever paid attention to me was was what I was dating. And I was finally out as, uh, I don’t know, a queer person. I tried to be a gay man. I was awful at it. I was like the worst gay man. Like, I, I just didn’t know what I was doing. So, I met this, this, this cisgender female. Uh, I just, just checked all the fucking boxes. Like, I was, I was so angry when she came into my life for a second because I was, I was content with finally being alone after throwing up with codependence and, and pain and anguish and all these things. I was just kind of content. Like, I was, I was still very numb, but I wasn’t the, the devastation that happened during my divorce. I was so codependent with this person who was ill. Like, I didn’t even know how to function on my own, um, but I kind of figured out how to function and I got away a little bit from, from, um, from her diseases, but I didn’t really focus on my diseases because I like to take care of other people, so I don’t have to deal with my own shit, um, which I didn’t know I did.

Renee N.: And, um, so I met this person, and within a year, we have the house, we’re, we’re together, and she has a daughter with a best friend who lives with us, and I’m at 34, I’m an instant parent, thinking that, well, I can do this because, you know, I can take care of two 15-year-old girls because, you know, um, we’re both workaholics. We opened up a business. I ran rentals, and then about two or three years into us running our business, my father got very sick, and I end up taking care of his businesses, which was at the time about 20 different tenants in various, um, rental issues, single commercial. So, I was still working 80-hour weeks, 90-hour weeks, trying to take care of everything and everybody. Somewhere along the line, I started drinking, um, more. And I hadn’t really dealt with any of my, I still remember it was 2011, and we were watching, ‘Orange Is the New Black’. And, and usually when you’re talking to, to folks of, of trans experience, I’ll say, they always kind of tell you what was that, what was that awakening? That person that kind of woke you and like what, my click, and you’re like, ‘Oh, no’. You’re like, ‘What?’ Uh, mine was Laverne Cox. She was the first person I understood that was trans. Growing up, um, I didn’t understand trans. I understood prostitution and sex workers because that’s how it was always perceived in, in media in my very, very small town, um, or like John Lithgow in ‘The World According to Garp’. That was like, that was what I thought you looked like when you were a trans person. And also, I’m extremely vain. I didn’t know that about myself until recovery.

What I Did

Renee N.: So, long story short, worked hard, played hard, thought I was doing everything great, um, but had the businesses, had the cars, had the money, had the, um, and I was spiritually, morally, mentally bankrupt. I was so dead inside and so sad and so alone. I, I definitely was not caring if I stayed on this physical plane or not, so to speak. Uh, but I’d done everything in my head that I thought would make me happy. I, I got success, I got money, like everything that I wasn’t enough, I checked off the checklist. You know, I’d lost 100 pounds. Like, I, you know, like I’d done things. Um, and nothing felt good, nothing felt. I just couldn’t be, it’d be at peace.

Renee N.: One day, my, my partner, who had started going to Al-Anon, um, maybe a couple years before, uh, they have addiction in their family, uh, mainly their parents. Um, I have addiction in my side of the family, but no one ever talks about it, so we never kind of identified with until I got into the program. Um, and she handed me the 14 traits of the adult child. Uh, and I always say that, at that kind of stop for me, at that very moment, because, um, I felt like someone had followed me around my entire life and was spying on me. Yeah, yeah, totally. So, uh, really messy. We went to our first ACA meeting. I was beat red, I was angry, I was sad. I went home and I drank. And the first six months of going to ACA meetings, I was still drinking. Like, I remember wanting to have a drink just to get home to have a drink, to process all this stuff that was like, ‘Wait, what are you talking about? Like, like, wait, what?’ Like, and then in that time of going through that, I’ve been seeing a therapist. I was working on trying to EMDR. It was like uncovering a bunch of stuff because I, I had in Connecticut, for you to start hormones, um, so go back to 2011. 2011, I would start doing some research about, um, transgenderedness or women or whatever. And I was basically at really drunk and I’d watch YouTube videos of people transitioning, their transition timelines. That was a big thing to like Katy Perry’s ‘Part of Me’. That was like every video had that on. And I would just get super sad because I just couldn’t envision that I’d be able to get to live this life. Um, so super alone. Like that’s one thing I understand about my alcoholism now. Like my alcoholism wants me to be alone. It’s to isolate me because that way it can be in control. And, um, I even remember when, um, so we, so we’re doing that. We went to the gathering, uh, which is, uh, if, if most people know about, um, there’s a gathering every year in Connecticut around the Tri-State, um, for adult children, and it’s a great weekend. If you haven’t gone, I really, I, I think that you should. But that was the first weekend I hadn’t drank in a really, really long time because I wanted to honor the space and not bring alcohol, you know, onto it, um, because all these people have been affected by alcoholism. It just seemed wrong. So, it was the first night I realized I hadn’t drank in a very long time. I was terrified, and, uh, I decided to quit drinking again. And, and I’d done that a thousand times. Like, I, something bad would happen. I’d have a rough night, like, ‘I’m never doing that again’. And whether it would be six weeks, six months, six years, whatever, I would, sooner or later, I’m going to pick up again and I’m going to be drunk on the floor. That’s, that’s where my drinking brings.

Renee N.: But in that time, I was seeing this therapist, and I, you know, in Connecticut, at the time, you had to get a therapist for six months to get a letter to say that, yes, this person has gender identity, this is what’s happening, you know, to get onto hormones. Um, so, I’m two months sober. I’m two months into working ACA. I, I asked somebody to be my sponsor. They said no, which triggered my abandonment, horrifyingly. Uh, the next week, they called up and said, ‘Hey, a sponsor dropped off. Do you want to still work together?’ And I was, I just said yes. Um, but, um, the moment was I went to go to my doctors and, and they explained to me about, ‘Okay, you’re ready to start hormones’. And I just, I don’t understand. Like, what’s that mean? And they said, ‘Well, you’re going to like, you know, you’re going to feel more things’. And I said, ‘Doc, I’ve been drunk for 30 years. Like, I don’t have a, I don’t have feelings’. But luckily, with my time in ACA, and my time in AA at the time, they said, ‘Don’t do anything major in your first year’. So, I figured, you know, transitioning to my true self was probably a major thing. So, I waited a year. I, I literally waited a year to start hormones.

Barb: So, can I stop you for a second, Renee, because you mentioned getting into ACA, but you didn’t mention how you got into AA. Can you share that?

Renee N.: Um, when I was doing the ACA work, they kind of said, ‘You need, you should, um, sustain from any mind-altering’. Just for the same reason, like, ‘if you’re going to do this work, don’t do anything dangerous your first year, but also if you’re going to do this work, you should, you might want, you might want to keep a clear head’. So, I didn’t understand I was an alcoholic. I still remember when I was telling somebody that I think I’m alcoholic, and they said, ‘Well, maybe you’re just a problem drinker’. You know, or ‘Maybe you’re just a big drinker’. And I was like, and my alcoholism really wanted me to be the big drinker. Really, really love that to be the thing. But like, um, my alcoholism has helped me how I understood, um, Step Three, because I had to look at all the things that had happened to me when I was drinking and all the things that I’d done because of the way I was brought up and the way I was, I was, I had a, you know, certain abuses I had, and I shouldn’t have been dead a long time ago. You know, so, I had to, so that’s when number two came. That’s how I got to this, you know, you talk about, you know, did you identify? Identified as an adult child. I identified as an alcoholic. So, what’s two? Is there a higher power? It’s like, ‘Yes, there must be. There must be a higher power because there’s no way I should be alive right now’. It’s like, ‘Okay, well, I’m meeting all these amazing people who look happy’. Like, ‘They’re smiling at me, and they’re, they, they’re laughing’. And, ‘I don’t understand that’. ‘I don’t understand that people can laugh, and people can retire’. Like, that was the craziest thing. Like, ‘I met people who have been in program’, you know, ACA and AA for like 30 years and they’re talking about retiring. And I’m like, ‘What are you talking about?’ Like, my field, people don’t retire, they die. Like, that’s what, that’s what I just thought I was going to do. I was just going to work until I drop dead. Um, so, then I took Step Three, and I said, ‘Okay, well, I’m going to hand it over because you all say it’s supposed to work’.

How It Is Now

Renee N.: Um, and then I started working on Step Four and Step Five and and doing the yellow workbook in ACA. Now, while that was happening, I, I started going into AA because I was having problems. Luckily, my partner had gone into into AA, and they said, ‘Here, I found you this meeting’. It was an LGBT meeting. Now, here’s the other things: I have no queer friends. I don’t know any queer people. Um, I have no community whatsoever because I always worked and I always put together this authentic this, this vision of what I thought you were supposed to see from me. You know, um, and that’s the person I tried to be. It was like the mixture between like Dalton from ‘Road House’ and like, you know, Charles Ingalls and then George Bailey. Like, I took like like aspects of these like three movie characters. All men, by the way, I notice. Oh, yeah. They’re all men. Like, I have to be as manly as possible. I’m 6’2″. Um, you know, at the time, I was probably 280. So, yeah, you’re supposed to see nothing but man here. Where in my brain, I was and, and I’ll say this to the God above, I swear to God, I think I’m like 5’2″, 135. Like, I swear to God. And like, that’s who I feel like I am inside.

Renee N.: Um, yeah, so, well, that was occurring, I was working on on my gender expression and trying to understand what it meant. And really, a lot of it what happened was is I didn’t understand that I’d been carrying around shame and guilt my whole life in many aspects. I had shame and guilt from the abuse I had. I have shame and guilt growing up with a very abusive, um, very stringent, controlling, demanding father, an alcoholic mother, um, that was a total chaos. She was a total chaos mess. Um, but I didn’t understand because, you know, in ACA, they, they, they tell you like, ‘Well, it’s your job to keep the secret’. And I, I still remember when I started ACA, and I was trying to, you know, I, I’m the, you know, the little, I’m the youngest sibling, but, um, I have an older brother, but I’ve always been the oldest. You know, like that vibe. Like, I’ve always taken care of him. And I started telling him about, um, ACA. And I wasn’t necessarily trying to two-step him. Um, but I kind of told him about it, and he, and he got really angry, and he’s like, ‘How dare you tell our family secrets to strangers?’. Um, I think the greatest thing that ever happened to me coming into the, to the rooms of 12 steps, any 12 step, um, is it was the first time I was allowed to talk without anybody gaslighting me, interrupting me, or, or, or ignoring me. So, like I think that’s one of the most important things about 12 step program is the first time when I come into a room of 12 step, I know when I share, if the room, if it’s a healthy meeting, first of all, the, the, it’s supposed to be a safe place that we’re holding space for one another for us to process what happens to us.

Renee N.: And to say that, like before I got into program, I had maybe four people in my phone, and two of them would probably text me back, and one was my wife. You know, and then one was my kid. The most likely, she was texting me back because she was worried, I was she was going to be in trouble for something. Because, just like my father, I was a controlling, demanding person. Um, so, yeah, I didn’t understand the shame and the guilt that I felt. Like, I never felt serenity. Like, I didn’t know stillness. I hated it. I hadn’t, I had this moment, um, last, on Sunday, where it was Sunday, it was through the holidays. Um, we now live in a very quiet space, somewhere where I first lived when I first came into the program. You know, there’s like turkeys going through our yard and there’s, it’s a mountain road and there’s no lights and it’s very dark and it’s very quiet. And Sunday morning, I didn’t have the radio on, I didn’t turn the TV on. I just sat there in stillness. I wasn’t on my phone. I wasn’t trying to distract. I wasn’t looking for a dopamine hit. I was just sitting quietly. And then I went and I, I got up and I, I cooked, but nothing, like the amount of, the pace I ran from the time I was little to 43, I was the whirly rabbit. I was always late. I was never enough. Um, and I just had to keep going. And when you asked about what’s the title of this, of this podcast, which we call it, I said, ‘Lost in Serenity’. Like, you found me such a strange place after eight years of this program and of service work and going to conferences and sponsoring people and taking people through the steps. Like, I no longer spend my entire day making amends for the way I act.

Barb: Do you want to, uh, go ahead, sorry.

Renee N.: No, no, go ahead, go ahead, go ahead.

Barb: I was going to say, do you want to say anything about your relationship with your parents or your family or anybody else and how that’s transformed?

Renee N.: Oh, sure. Um, one thing I can say to anybody who’s listening to this podcast, just because you get recovery doesn’t mean your parents get recovery. No, it is a shocker. It really is. It was, it was so hard for me to understand. Um, the first time I went through the steps, it’s like, well, ‘Take ownership of what you did’. Well, I was a perfectionist and I never did anything wrong. I never made a mistake. I always had a partner who always made all the mistakes and I was there fixing everything, so I was perfect in my head, until I had no partner and I started making really bad choices. So, God. So, okay, uh, I left the house when I was like 22. I worked constantly. I kind of showed back up around 30-ish because I got divorced. I had a little time. I wasn’t working 80-hour weeks anymore, and I tried to renew my relationships with my mom and my dad. But I had an excuse, I was working all the time. That’s okay for them. Um, my dad, from 10 to 30, we really didn’t talk. Um, I ended up restoring a motorcycle at his place. And we started talking again. Um, and also we had something in common. A woman had to scorned us and destroy our lives. For, for me, it was my ex-wife. For him, it was my mom. So, it was a little odd on top of that. Um, uh, so I don’t have great relationships with anybody. I’m on no contact with my mother right now. Actually, when I say right now, forever. I, I really, I, I, I’ve refused to give that woman one more chance to say something.

Barb: I didn’t realize that. Okay. I knew that you had taken a break, but I didn’t know you decided it was permanent. Okay. Well, you get to decide.

Renee N.: Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Um, what’s changed? Uh, well, I mean, it’s so different now because I’m Renee now, and like, I always kind of laughed because I was transitioning as I was recovering. So, it’s like, they’re always like, ‘You’ll learn, you’ll become your true authentic self’. And I’m like [laughter] cracking up to myself. Um, my relationships now, I mean, my relationship with my dad is really good. The last 10 years, um, we, we know who we each other is. I came out to him. Like, I, I, I take care of all his finances. I take care of all his health stuff. Uh, my wife, uh, my partner of 17 years, uh, we got married last year. It was such a beautiful day. It was such a great. Yeah, it was. Uh, I’m very blessed that they’re also in recovery with me. So, we, what happened was, what shifted over the year, the last six months, is my, my dad, um, my wife started helping with my dad during the week. So, all of a sudden, all this stuff that I was constantly doing, she is now helping me with. So, I had this, not a ton of free time, but I just a little bit. And I’m so confused by it. That’s why I was literally sitting in my house in stillness because I didn’t know what to do. I literally didn’t know what to do. So, I did nothing. I think that’s one of my favorite sayings in program. It’s like, ‘Hurry up and do nothing’.

Barb: Yeah, yeah. ‘Don’t just do something, sit there’. I love. First time I heard that, I was like, ‘What?’ Because I’m a doer, too.

Renee N.: Yeah, I feel like I was finally given the tools, um, to work on, and it’s a, it’s an everyday thing. I have good days and I have bad days. Um, but I, I’m, I’m so blessed to have this life. I, I definitely deal, I definitely feel like I’m working on other someone else’s time. Like, my will, my will has probably would have killed me a long time ago, but I’m on, somebody’s got a plan for me. So, I, you know, I’m trying to find that purpose and, and find some some joy and laughter while it’s happy. And it, it finds me. You know, I, I definitely laugh way harder than I’ve ever laughed in my entire.

Barb: That’s so good. I love it. I, so when you said something before about like all these decisions that you made or goals that you set were reactive, you were reacting to something. And what came to mind when you said that, there was something that you used to say to me regularly, which was like, you would be talking about something that happened, and you go, “Well, at least I was present. At least I was present. At least I was present”. And the first number of times that you said that, I didn’t know what the fuck that meant. I just was like, I don’t even know what that means. And now, like, I really get it. Like, I may have been there and I may have been, you know, chaotic and stuff, but I was there. I wasn’t dissociating. I, you know, it’s like, I was literally in the moment and aware. Like, “This is not going well,” but knowing, you know, what’s going on, and, and, um, that’s something that really helped me from hearing you say it. ‘Cause in the beginning, I was like, “What does this mean?” You know.

Renee N.: Yeah, I, my big thing was self-righteous rage. If I felt I was correct, oh, man, that just gave me every, every license to do whatever the fuck whatever I wanted. And that’s what I’ve realized in being a people pleaser, too. It’s like, I’m going to, I’m going to help you. Don’t, don’t you ever question what I think, say, or do. Right, yeah. Because if you do, then I can just destroy you. And I mean, this is people I love. People I take care of. It’s like, what is, that is insane. Yeah, yeah. I hear that.

Barb: Well, I am so appreciative of you sharing your experience, strength, and hope. And I’m also especially appreciative of you talking about transitioning. I wasn’t sure if you were going to cover that or not.

Renee N.: It’s part of the story.

Barb: Yeah, of course, it is. Um, and I, I really hope that, you know, that there’s somebody listening that, um, really gets a lot of experience, strength. I mean, I hope everybody listening gets experience, strength, and hope, but if there’s someone out there who has gender identity issues, I, I hope that this really, um, gives them an enormous amount of hope.

Renee N.: Honestly, the, the rooms of the was the first place I was out. And it was the safest place I needed to be in. And the women of both programs just, just took me in and took care of me. And I’m, I’m forever blessed and and privileged.

Barb: Well, thank you so much, Renee. And, um, if you would just stay on the call for a minute, I’m going to wrap up. Thank you all so much for listening.