Why FOMO Is Really Self-Abandonment (and How to Heal It)

Issue 123. May 16, 2025 ✨ Higher Power Coaching & Consulting ✨

FOMO, Self-Abandonment, and the Power of Refocusing on You

I got a message recently from someone who’s constantly battling FOMO—the fear of missing out. She’s overwhelmed by where other people are in their recovery and how far behind she feels, both in her healing and in her business. She believes she should be further along, given how long she’s been in both. The FOMO is so strong, it’s become debilitating.

This isn’t uncommon. I hear it often from clients and folks in recovery. Sometimes we dress it up in familiar sayings:

• Comparing your insides to other people’s outsides
• The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence
• Keeping up with the Joneses
• Missing the boat
• You snooze, you lose
• Not wanting to be left out in the cold

But I’d like to offer another perspective—especially if you identify as an Adult Child of a dysfunctional family: what you’re really experiencing may be self-abandonment.

Those of us who grew up in dysfunction often fear abandonment more than anything else. And ironically, what we do most often is abandon ourselves. Dysfunctional environments groom us to do that—not deliberately, but deeply and consistently.

So rather than saying things like:

• I self-sabotage
• I don’t follow through
• I shoot myself in the foot
• I can’t rely on myself
• I’m my own worst enemy

…consider calling it what it is: self-abandonment.

It’s a clearer, more direct way to name the problem—and for those in the ACA program (Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families), it also ties your experience to your identity as an adult child. That matters, because it means you’re not flawed—you were conditioned this way.

And most importantly: there’s a solution. In ACA, we say, “The solution is to become your own loving parent.” You can learn to give yourself the love, attention, and protection you didn’t get as a child. That’s the opposite of abandoning yourself.

FOMO Keeps You Focused on What You Can’t Control

When you’re caught in FOMO, you’re entirely focused on other people—what they’re doing, how far they’ve come, what you think you’re missing. That focus won’t serve you.

Because here’s the truth:

• Focusing on others = putting your attention on what you cannot control
• Focusing on yourself = putting your attention on what you can control

And when you’re fixated on other people, you’re not living your own life.

If you’re not living your own life, you’re bound to feel unsatisfied, unfulfilled, and miserable.
You’ll create built-in excuses for not showing up for yourself, which only reinforces your belief that you’re not worth it. That’s another form of—you guessed it—self-abandonment.

But here’s the good news:
When you take the focus off other people and put it on yourself, the energy that becomes available to you will AMAZE you.

You Can Rewire Your Focus

Focusing inward won’t happen overnight. If you’ve spent years focusing outward—on others, on outcomes, on approval—you’ve created a deep groove in your brain. But thanks to neuroplasticity, your brain has the power to change.

You can fill in those old grooves and create new ones by intentionally keeping the focus on yourself.

Whatever reminders you need—do it.
Sticky notes on the mirror. Alarms on your phone. A mantra written on your dashboard. Emails or texts to yourself that say: Keep the focus on you.

If you want to become someone who is psychologically mature, emotionally stable, and truly at peace, you must learn to keep your focus on yourself.

Your life is about you.

And if you’re constantly focused on others, you’re not living your own life. It’s impossible to live a well-lived life when your energy is spent monitoring, comparing, or managing other people.

And if you really want what those people have?
Do what they’re doing.
I guarantee you—they’re not wasting time comparing themselves to others and beating themselves up.

Refocusing on You Is Not Selfish

Just to be clear: focusing on yourself doesn’t mean being selfish.
It means turning inward to manage what’s within your control. It means taking responsibility for your thoughts, your feelings, and your choices—not anyone else’s.

If that sounds unfamiliar or uncomfortable, this podcast episode will help reinforce the idea that inward focus is not selfish—it’s vital. If you need suggestions for how to focus on yourself, this podcast episode shares four says to do so.

I Dare You to Try

So here’s my challenge:
Dare to take the focus off of others and put it back on yourself.
It’s the only path to becoming happy, joyous, and free.