The Humbling Truth: You’re Not Alone, and That’s a Gift

Issue 119. April 18, 2025 ✨ Higher Power Coaching & Consulting ✨

You Are Not Uniquely Flawed

Many people come into therapy, recovery, or coaching believing they’re somehow uniquely flawed, so broken, so different, so damaged that no one could possibly understand or help them. They believe they’re beyond repair, that no one knows what they’ve been through, and that people simply cannot understand what it’s like to be them.

This belief often shows up in a related form: terminal uniqueness. The thinking here is, “I’ve always been different and I’ll always be different,” or “I’m on the outside looking in. I’ll never find people who truly get me.”

But when we join something like a 12-step program, we quickly learn we’re sitting in a room full of people who are also “uniquely flawed” and “terminally unique.”

And we discover something remarkable: many of them are unique in the same ways we are. We realize we’re not as alone as we thought. In fact, we’re not just in a room full of people like us; there’s a worldwide fellowship of people like us. And it’s been here all along.

The Gift of Belonging

One of the greatest gifts of recovery is this shift—from feeling like you’ve always been on the outside to finally knowing that you belong. It’s part of why 12-step programs work so well. There are people who’ve been through what we’ve been through, who know the way out. People who can guide us from rock bottom to a life that’s happy, joyous, and free.

Even more powerful? We don’t just hear their stories, we start to believe they get us. And that’s transformative. One of the deepest human pains is to feel ostracized, to feel like we don’t belong. We’re wired for connection. We need to feel seen and understood by others to feel fully human.

I’m especially grateful for this today, as I celebrate 10 years in ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families). These recovery programs help us find our people. They help us understand who we are, what hasn’t been working in our lives, and—most importantly—how to change it.

True Humility: You’re No Better—and No Worse—Than Anyone Else

Back to this idea of uniqueness. When we believe we’re the most flawed or most different, we’re actually struggling with humility.

Many people think humility is just about not being arrogant. But true humility is about being right-sized. That means moving not only from better than to equal to, but also from worse than to equal to.

Believing you’re the worst case ever is still a kind of self-centeredness. It puts you at the center of the story, just as grandiosity does. It’s the belief that everything comes back to you.

The definition of humility that resonates most for me is:
“I am no better and no worse than anyone else.”

As someone who leans toward grandiosity, I’ve had to work on letting go of thoughts like “my ideas are the best,” or “things should be done my way.” These thoughts still show up, but far less often, and now, I know I don’t have to believe them.

But here’s the kicker: remembering I’m no worse than anyone else is just as important. Even for having those grandiose thoughts. And for many people in recovery—especially those who struggle with low self-worth—this is the part that needs the most attention.

Victim Mentality: A Subtle Trap

The belief that we’re uniquely flawed also overlaps with victim mentality.

You might be stuck in a victim mentality if you feel like life keeps happening to you. If you think nobody else has had it as bad, or that no one could possibly understand your pain.

Now, don’t get me wrong. If you have this mindset, it likely means you have been victimized. But being victimized is not the same as having a victim mentality.

Here’s one of my favorite illustrations of how victim mentality can persist:

They say that when baby elephants are trained for the circus, a heavy chain is used to tether them. They pull and pull, but can’t break free. Eventually, they stop trying. Later, as adults, those elephants are restrained with only a rope. They could easily break it—but they don’t even try. They’ve internalized the belief: “There’s no hope.”

That’s victim mentality. You’ve been trapped for so long, you no longer believe freedom is possible, even when it’s right there.

I know firsthand that it’s possible to escape that mindset. Learning I had victim mentality—and getting free of it—was the biggest paradigm shift of my recovery. Mine wasn’t the stereotypical “poor me” victim mentality. It was sneakier: believing I had no options when I actually did, or thinking “if only” someone else would change, then I’d be okay.

If you’re curious to learn more, I wrote a 5-part series on victim mentality that dives deeper into what it is, how it shows up, and how to let it go.

You Are Not Alone

The idea that you’re uniquely flawed or permanently different is a belief, not a fact. Yes, you are a unique human being, with your own talents, quirks, flaws, and gifts. But that doesn’t mean you’re alone. And it doesn’t mean you’re beyond help.

There are people who get you. People who’ve walked a path like yours. Whether it’s through 12-step recovery, Facebook communities, Meetup groups, support circles, or interest-based gatherings, your people are out there.

If you haven’t found them yet, don’t give up. Keep looking.

You are not alone.