Living Life on Life’s Terms:  How to Find Serenity in the Chaos

Issue 116. March 21, 2025 ✨ Higher Power Coaching & Consulting ✨

Are you spiritually fit? Or are things just going your way?

We’ve all had those weeks where everything seems to go wrong. But how we handle those moments reveals a lot about our inner strength. Are you spiritually fit? Or are things just going your way?

That question stopped me in my tracks. It came at the end of a week that tested my patience, resilience, and ultimately, my understanding of what it truly means to be “spiritually fit.” Quite a number of things didn’t go my way that week. It showed me that I am much more spiritually fit than I used to be. In other words, I’ve learned to live life on life’s terms. This is a common saying in 12-step recovery. 

I first heard that phrase about 20 years ago from a guy in recovery. He’d say, “I’ve learned to live life on life’s terms, not my terms.” I really didn’t understand conceptually what that meant. Of course, I know what the definitions of those words mean, but I really didn’t get it. And now I do. 

To truly understand this concept, let me walk you through a week that tested me. My sweetheart and I were going to the movies and decided to meet at the theater rather than go together. It turns out we went to different theaters! I texted him to say I was in the lobby and then I saw that he’d just texted me that he was at the other theater and on his way to me.

I called him immediately and he didn’t answer so I texted him to say I’d stay there and until I heard from him. A while later he called and said, “I’m at the end of my rope, I’m gonna go home.”

When I got to his house, his car was there already which was weird because I was in town he was out of town. It turned out he’d taken his motorcycle (which explains why he didn’t answer the phone when I called).

When he got home, he had a frown on his face. This is quite notable given that he’d just gotten off his motorcycle – nothing makes him smile like being on two wheels. I said, “Wow! You look really sad.” He said, “I’m done in. I am just done”

After he took off his motorcycle boots I asked if we could hug. He said, “I’m not there yet” and I said, “Okay, do you need me to go occupy myself for a little while?” and he said yes.

I went in the bedroom and read for awhile. Eventually, he came in and he said he was slowed down now. If this had been the past, I would have been super upset about the mixup and about him not wanting a hug and needing some alone time to slow down and refuel. 

I didn’t take these things personally, or make them mean anything about me or the status of our relationship. He has a chronic illness so he has limited energy, so it was clear that he was just done in by all of the stimuli.

Before recovery, I would have turned all those things into a huge fight that would have had lasting effects for weeks, if not years. The next morning I told him that it was miracle that I didn’t even get phased by the whole movie thing and that he needed alone time. I wanted to share with him how amazing that was given my life history of wanting live life on Barb’s terms.

As I was getting ready to leave, I couldn’t find my car keys, which is highly unusual for me. It turned out that they were in my car – they’d fallen out of purse onto the seat. At the time, my spare key was with a friend on my side of town so I was going to call her. Instead, he proposed that I take his car since he has motorcycles to get around with. 

Later that day I was scheduled to do an online presentation at noon and I was supposed to sign on at 11:45. At 11:40 I knocked my computer on the floor and that fall bent the so I couldn’t plug it in. The battery was drastically low, so I went to the  IT guy at the coworking place and borrowed a laptop just in time.

I use my computer to run my business, so I needed a cord right away. I drove to Best Buy in North Haven to get one. While I was there, I remember that I needed a new journal so I went next door to Target. Then I remembered some other things I needed, so I went in, but then promptly forget what else I wanted to get!

I prayed for guidance and as I did that I turned around in the middle of the stationary aisle and kicked a little ball. Mind you, I was in the stationary aisle, not the ball aisle. It made me remember, “Oh that’s right, I need a ball to do my physical therapy.”

Then, I found the exact kind of water bottle I’d been looking for. I have a whole list of specifications for my water bottles and I hardly ever find ones that have them all, but this one does!

I wouldn’t have gotten ANY of these things had I not gone to Target. And I wouldn’t have gone to Target if I hadn’t knocked the computer off the table and then gone to Best Buy.

These kinds of things – locking my key in the car, breaking my computer cord (for the third time) are the kind of things that would have taken me down in the past. I would have been so angry and upset. Now I realize THIS is the kind of thing people are talking about in recovery when they say, “We accept life on life’s terms.” 

Now, I deeply understand what it means to live life on life’s terms. It means sometimes you

• go to the wrong movie theater 
• have miscommunication
• lock your keys in the car 
• break the cord on your computer 

Sometimes a whole bunch of that stuff happens in a row. That’s just life. These are the kinds of things that happen sometimes –  to everybody. I no longer allow those kinds of things to take my serenity away, otherwise I’ll have a very dissatisfying life. 

Before recovery, I didn’t know it was an option to be serene when these kinds of things happened. What I saw growing up was that you got pissed off about things like that. In other words, I learned to live as if I were a victim of life – that life was happening at me or to me. I now understand these are just things that are happening. They’re not happening TO me, they’re just happening.

It’s just part of life, negative things happen to everybody. There’s nothing so special about me that nothing negative will ever happen to me. It’s how I handle those things that matter. That’s another saying I heard so many times before recovery that I didn’t quite understand: “It’s not what happens to you, it’s how you handle it that determines the quality of your life.”

I understood that theoretically, I just didn’t REALLY get it.

What it looks like to live life on life’s terms means understanding that things happen to everyone. Sometimes, a whole bunch of good stuff happens in a row, sometimes a whole bunch of bad stuff happens in a row. Rest assured, good things and bad things will happen. When you fight against that, you’re trying to live life on your terms, not on life’s terms.

There’s a difference between surrendering and being resigned to things. When you surrender to what’s happening, you make peace with it. You stop taking it personally and step out of victim mentality. When you simply resign yourself, you take on an attitude like, “Life sucks and then you die.” There’s no peace in that. And it’s dripping with victim mentality, which is no way to get to peace and serenity.

If you want to have a life of emotional well-bring, learning how to accept what’s happening and surrender to it will change everything. Being resigned will only perpetuate and magnify your difficulties.

Here are some examples of things you can do to get you to acceptance of life on life’s terms.

•   Practice gratitude for the small things, especially during difficult times.
•   Focus on what you can control, not what you can’t.
•   Develop self-compassion and forgive yourself for mistakes.
•   Practice mindfulness to observe your emotions without judgement.

So, the next time life throws you a curveball, remember that it’s not happening to you, it’s simply happening. Embrace the unexpected, find your serenity, and live life on life’s terms. You might be surprised at the peace you find. This week, I challenge you to observe how you react when things don’t go your way. Actively look for moments of serenity amidst the chaos. Choose peace and serenity and you will find it.